New to DB. Have read a lot of the forums and book excerpts, ordered the book today. Although, this isn't my first post.
A few weeks ago my wife told me she didn't know if she wanted to work on things or not. We are living in the same house in separate bedrooms. Before coming to DB I did all the wrong things. Sometimes we would have great nights together and keep things light but other nights she would spend the whole time on her phone and I would question her about it. Last week I got sick of the rollercoaster and told her that I am filing. Just felt like she was taking adv short and kept rolling and applying for jobs as thought her degree was completed. Had difficulty determining if that was a lie or just something she doesn't think about? She left me alone on my birthday to go partying with her sister which made me feel abandoned. She stopped helping around the house and paying bills. She stopped being warm and fun in group settings and became too involved with social media and grew distant. Gained weight and stopped going outside, even to walk our puppy. She also would introantage of me and I was embarrassed she not only wouldn't discuss what is going on but also not really make a decision. Ended up filing Friday.
This weekend while she was away she took me off all her social media and changed her name back to her maiden one, along with adding a ton of new friends. I asked her about it and begged her to just admit shes having an affair so I can move on. She just shut down and told me to stop accusing her.
The other day I started really reading up on DB and posts here, realizing I really screwed up and hoping it's not too late. She is working at a satellite office for work so she will be gone for about a week. Last night I spoke to her to invite her to come home and apologize for my behavior, telling her I would give her space. I also admitted that having good nights with her confused me, to which she replied that just because things are going well doesn't mean we aren't getting a divorce. That was shocking. She told me that when I try to talk about things she shuts down and she is so shut down she probably won't ever open up again. She is seeing a therapist to talk about her own personal issues and our marriage hasn't even come up yet...which seemed crazy to me. How could that possibly be?! I asked if down the road to make sure the divorce is the right decision we could see a therapist together for a visit or two and discuss and she said that it's a good suggestion but she just isn't feeling it-our fundamental differences are so vast they won't be overcome. We are just friends. Ouch.
It appears that the advice is to GAL and give space. I deleted her number and everything (didn't tell her that) but let her know she is welcome home, or if she is having a tough week at work I'm happy to go hangout with her a bit and keep things light. She said she'd keep that in mind.
I plan to leave my parents house and go back to our home tonight. Some friends are coming over this weekend to help me paint and work on one of the bedrooms, and I also intend to return to the gym (haven't gone in a week), and read the DB book and Love Languages cover to cover as soon as they arrive. I know that not losing my cool is crucial so I need to stay calm, and do some 180's. I will not initiate contact or accuse, and try to create a warm comfortable home environment. I will also do the work on the house that I have wanted to do because it is important for me to make the house feel like home.
Does anyone have any other suggestions? Is there any hope? She dropped the bomb about a month ago and I have been all over the place...but maybe when she said she was considering it she was already done...I don't know.
