Fresh separation - trying to play by the book

[Zimmy]

It's so funny how clearly I see your situation, but when I apply my evaluation to mine, I am deeply biased to the negative.

She definitely IS self-destructing. Of course she doesn't see that right now. But think about the facts:

* She is acting erratic
* She is throwing her family away and a man that truly loves and is willing to fight for her - THAT IS NOT NORMAL. I think that we all think that this is normal becasue we are in the midst of it, blaming ourselves and see the others on this board going through it, BUT THIS IS NOT NORMAL MATURE, COMPASSIONATE HUMAN BEHAVIOR. MOST OF US ARE DEALING WITH VERY FLAWED SPOUSES WHO ARE DOING TERRIBLE SELFISH THINGS!
* She is confused about life
* She is acting like a teenager; seems to me that she is in some sort of ID crisis or early MLC

What I said about this being her issue was 100% right. You need to say that to yourself every day, as I do. Talk to a therapist if you haven't already. Maybe you weren't perfect in your relationship, but from what i've read you were a good husband and NOBODY IS PERFECT. I'm all about owning your flaws and mistakes and working on making yourself a better person, but sometimes you can be amazing and for whatever reason, your partner has their own issues and they need to sort them out with you or WITH ANYBODY - those issues will always catch up with them and they need to work it out.

As my DB coach told me last night, there is something that both he and I (and you and her) need to learn out of this process. In our partners' cases, there is something appealing about this other life that they need to explore, and right now because they aren't living in full reality, they are enjoying the novelty. But sooner or later, that novelty will wear off, and hopefully then, they will come to some realizations about their values, themselves and what's really important in life. You could have been Russel Crowe (the Gladiator version) and you couldn't have stopped her from doing this.

Fundamentally, at the end of her introspection, if this is the life she really wants at the end of the day, then maybe she has changed and is not the person you need for you or your kids - she doesn't value fidelity, family and loyalty and never will, regardless of who she is with. She is not worthy of YOU. But unless she is total monster, I do believe that she will look back someday when she is older and think to herself, my goodness, what was I thinking?

Also, you mentioned that she had narcissistic traits - if that is the case, it is a true character flaw and one that she will need to address head on herself. That will take time and work on her part. You can't do it for her.