just ch ecking in and sayin hello. Still alive and kicking here. Working, doing stuff for/with my mom's estate, keeping busy, workin out & walkin still, gardening, painting, pretty much normal old life. h still comes and goes. have taken three or four nice little trips over summer & last week. why he's "trying" to do nice things , idk - guilt probbly.
I'd think he thinks he's throwing me a bone. i AM (I THINK- i hope) pleasant and neutral. I do know that he tries to "buy me" or "buy his way out of guilt" with nice trips or work or things - .... idk what to think about it- so pretty much I don't. just living rite in this minute . too much other junk before and after to be able to go back or forward. t hat's okay too i guess at this minute. .
his interactions are more pleasant and even, sometimes, unconscioyusly more affectionate - fiddling with my hair while we're wtching tv, a touch here or there. I don't particularly think it "means" anything. ow is still there - i do not have any particular expectations or agenda. I don't (if i'm honest) think there is any hope we will ever go back to being what we were when we were happy. I do not honestly know what will become of this R at all; Or if we have one at all - or what it is. I am just rolling with the punches (as usual) I know i must be the most frustrating person alive to alot of you action-oriented people - - - oh well. so me - prudent to the last...
but i'm not SAD, so even if i'm not particulary big old HAPPY, I'M NOT un-happy (in a big way) so - 'll take it.
Anyway- so that is me for the moment. I get mad, i divert my attention. I stfu - i think i'm peaceful - but do stand up for self now or then. all pretty much okay at present.
my contact with sisters has been small- so that's really nice. h was here past t hree weeks (unusual- for awhile it's been here only 1 week & gone 3) . i'm not attaching any importance to it- as usual, i'd say guilt over something he's planning down there. aside from just now- i am better adn better at not even thinnking about what he's doing - i feel bad to think he's slipping out of my life (entirely? (maybe). it may make it less painful- but it's too bad in a global kind of way.
I stay off thinking about that- bums me out. i'm getting good at my own mind-control. ACCEPTANCE??? I do think i'm more and more accepting - that whatever we had is gone forever. and nothing may replace it
oh well- i got nothin really- just wanted to say hi and doing okay and keeping busy and so on.
hope everyone out there is plugging along okay as well
xxoo
I'm getting quite good at "living in the present". I
