Keeping it real

[Zues126]

Tough day. Said goodbye to a lot of coworkers and I feel that loss too. Funny, after working closely for 6 years it feels like they are your friends. But once you leave the reality is they aren't there anymore with few exceptions. I am choosing to look at that as though we got very close together in a very limited relationship. That is more positive than saying I was fooled into thinkin these relationships were actually meaningful. But it is both sad to leave them and disappointing to realize they are so fleeting.

That is why I value M so much. I felt God wanted us to have one person that was here with you for the count. And I get that I made things difficult. But then why was I made in a way where it would be so difficult to continue to choose to love each other?

Next the distorted thinking comes out. I am afraid no woman will ever stick with me. I am afraid that women don't need men anymore, that we've become obsolete. That our differences make us insensitive, demanding, and not worth the hassle. And I'm afraid the only way I could trick a woman into being with me is to pretend I'm something I'm not because there's something wrong with me.

I recognize some of the 'no more mr nice guy' symptoms in the above paragraph, about being afraid to be myself. But changing that is hard. If I AM afraid to be myself, then isn't changing that actually NOT being myself? It says ask for what you want directly, but I feel ashamed of what I want because I'm still wrestling with desire. I've controlled my behavior, but again, I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere sometimes. It sure feels like I'm stuffing my feelings, desires, walking down a painful road I could avoid altogether and doing it without medication or defense mechanisms, all for a futile cause. Not my M, just changing me.

I'm not trying to dwell on negative feelings. We all battle them at times. Just battling them tonight and purging them out to reduce them to words. The upside is that I made good choices today. I didn't give up when things got difficult. Sometimes it's so hard you can't picture why this road makes sense, but I remember there is a reason so I am still on it. Hopefully the reason is more clear again tomorrow. DB4L! Take that negative energy!