Here I find what I have done wrong. Through these years I have made my share of mistakes, over and over. They are a burden on me now that I realize the truest of my bad nature.
I have never been a good father. I would not say that I am a bad father, but I did not live or even strive for a potential of good. I have dreams of playing with my children, and fantasies of seeing them smile and loving them with every breath. But I never provided any action to make this happen. I was always too busy doing something, or nothing, else to spend time with them. I was inattentive and unavailable to their needs. I was a distant father.
For the longest time I admitted to myself that I treated my wife like a queen, serviced her every whim, and did all I could to make her happy. I never took note, that all I did was show love; but in all the wrong ways. I did not live up to the ability that was my wife’s expectations. Yes they were high, but I did not even reach for them. I abandoned my own duties and justified myself in why I did nothing. It is not so much that I was lazy, but when I was needed, or was asked, I denied, after saying yes. I let her down time and time again, with an agreement that I broke. Yes I did indeed forget, but I only forgot because I did not hold what she wanted from me with any importance. To her that meant I did not care about her wants and needs. I did not do everything for her as I originally thought. I abandoned her. I was lazy.
I did not want to work; I always told myself that it was because I wanted to be home with my family, to be with them and around them. Yet all the while I was not working, I watched TV, or slept on the couch. I did not take the kids outside to play, and when I did I sat there bored with nothing to do, instead of playing with them. I neglected making money, so that I could be lazy and bored. Then I complained about being bored and broke, when I am the one that placed me in that situation. I was a bad provider.
When it came to intimacy, I always wanted sex and never understood why she did not. I complained at her sex drive, and devalued the reasons she did not want intimacy. I forced myself on her, and did not take time to enjoy the moments; I did not provide the luxury of feeling love and tenderness that is the word intimacy. I was not romantic.
I followed her like a puppy, lost in my life. I had nothing to do for myself, no hobby or play. My every moment while she was around, I was glued to her hip and would not let her breath. I made it always bout spending time with her and being around her. I lost sight of the fact that she couldn’t breathe without my breathing her air. I did not respect her space.
I did not have confidence in my ability to be a good man. I always said you are an idiot for staying with me. I thought I was saying, thank you to her for staying with me even though I was not worth it. I never believed she’d leave me, and thought she’d love me forever – because she said she would. I did not earn her respect or her admiration. I somehow made it okay to do nothing, and expect everything in return. I took her for granted. I did not love myself. I did not earn her love. I did not deserve her.
I am not feeling pity, or remorse for my behavior. Instead I am recognizing my faults and learning how to correct them. I must do this for the sake of my own well being and health. For if I cannot overcome my faults as a person; I will never be a man, to her or anyone.
