Fresh separation - trying to play by the book

[Mozza]

Tonight, I'm haunted by the Halloween costume. It's not even the potential actions that bother me most, it's the intention behind it. She's buying an S&M costume to get drunk across town with her colleagues. For what?? Who is that woman? She was barely drinking alcohol before because she didn't like the taste and effect (and she takes medication for which it is proscribed -- she doesn't care), she never wore a Halloween costume with me, she didn't dress sexy ever. How much and what can I forgive if given the chance? We're still married and she's planning to be on the prowl! How can she turn on me so quickly? How can she abandon our projects, half her kids, take away half their mom, half their dad? What's so great about drinking and partying at her age? What are her values? Emotions? Priorities? Why oh why do I love her still?

Right now, I feel she wants this separation to be final. It's just a matter of time: she'll bring up the divorce when she's ready (because I won't have the balls, so she'll remain in control). She has no regards for me. She wants to remain cordial, but her mind is made up. I've seen it before: the same look of duty as if she were taking out the trash. Taking deep breaths, trying to stay concentrated because it's the polite thing to do, keeping it short, but just waiting for it all to be over.

I'm a fool for hoping, for even being here. It's all in my head. I should abandon all hope, protect myself, move on, make it quick. I'm still in the denial stage. I refuse to see that she has packed her bags and gone. And that she likely met someone already (apparently they all lie, so she must have lied to me about this). If she regrets, it will be so late and after so many Halloweens that I won't be able to take her back anyway. She wrecked the life I had planned for myself and my children (and her) and now she goes around, happy as a clam and planning a sexy Halloween. In the meantime, I'll trick or treat with the kids, which she hates doing anyway. All the more reasons for her to be happy about the separation! Close call!

We'll never have our inside jokes again, I wont be touching her skin, I won't be traveling with her, I won't take her to a show or to see good friends. It' all over. Fast as a car accident and as irreversible.

I can't believe the downs are as down as they were at the beginning. I'm tired to hurt, very tired. I cry because I'm tired of crying. They say it gets better and it's true. They don't tell you it also remains just as bad.