Wife dropped the bomb Part 2

[Nitty]

Guys that have been thru this say that I am doing the right things, "doing the work" they call it" and this will help me heal well in due time.

Doing the work, yessiree. That is exactly what it is. So many people run right into the arms of someone else, because it's easy to forget the pain. Or they numb themselves with work, or exercise, or alcohol. Doing the work is the hardest thing to do, and yet you are doing it. You're taking the road less travelled.

This week I find that I am going through an Anger stage. I am mad at her for what she is doing to me and the kids.

I went through that. I started lashing out. I was pissed. To be thrown away, after over 30 years. And he did it turning a major turning point in one of our kids' lives, turning the focus of that major event onto himself. So self-centered. It was the first time I was really angry enough to lash out at him. But the DB coach said the stuff I did was "punishing" behavior. OK to be mad, just not to act in a punishing way. So I stopped.

It doesn't look to me like you're being punishing, though. It looks instead like you're taking care of yourself. It looks like she wants to eat cake. If she wanted a family unit, she should've tried to work on her marriage.

I suppose I need to get to a place where I am detached and have "dropped the rope" and am working on myself instead of focusing on her still. THat way there is a better me that comes out of this, regardless of whether she ever wants to restore the M.

Yes. I think I got caught up in the DBing, thinking that if I messed up with DBing, that I was ruining my marriage's chances. But really, I think DBing is about working on yourself instead of focusing on your WAS, just like you said. It's a progression that helps you with every step you take. If you stumble, you just pick yourself right up and start again, and the result is a better you, no matter what happens.

It's meant for you, not your WAS. So if she stays away, you are okay. If she comes back, you are okay.

All that said, I feel your pain, I wish there was something to say to make it better. It hurts like hell, makes you stop eating, stop sleeping, makes you question everything... nothing like it at all. I think the loss of a child would trump it, sure, but leaving our kids out of the equation... not much else can touch it. Scorchingly painful.

I think you're doing a great job in extremely difficult circumstances.