Sorry I’ve been absent. I’m back on duty at the hospital. 12 hours on and 12 hours off. When I’m off---I’m usually sleeping.
To answer your question—I don’t speak to the people on this forum because I don't want to commit to helping them. Yours is an interesting case. I honestly believe your relationship can be salvaged
My primary goal with you is to get you and your wife to a place where I can hand you off to a marriage counselor. Since it doesn’t appear you have EAP or insurance available I would like to see you both in pastoral counseling. It is free through your church.
I think you have been receiving very good advice since the weekend. My only caution is stay aware of well-meaning friends and family and the biased shoulder—even on this forum. People only hear your side of the story and are (understandably) on your side. This means the advice will always skew to your favor.
Regarding the recent behavior of your wife: I think she shows promise. But there is a difference between detaching and ignoring. Please be sure you know the difference when dealing with her.
If your wife is reaching out and you do not mirror her gestures she will stop reaching out.
Believe it or not, you missed several opportunities to connect with your wife.
When she said she was ready for the truck to be fixed so you could concentrate on “our” girls at the house you should have given a genuine reply about the difficulty of being a single parent.
“I can’t wait for it to be done either. I miss spending quality time with them.”
Detaching doesn’t mean you exclude your wife from all your emotions. It doesn’t mean your wife isn’t permitted to have a window into your life anymore. It means you must keep a lid on your emotions when reacting to her.
If you would have responded with a genuine non-argumentative open ended comment about parenting you might have been able to take the conversation into a different direction. Talking about the girls brings you both together as parents. Discussing your shared desire to be good parents is a bonding experience.
Another missed opportunity came when she said “I miss my girls…everyday.”
You SHOULD have replied, “They miss you.”
This was the right thing to say. You didn’t have to say, “We miss you.” But you should have said, “They miss you.”
A parent needs to know they are missed by their children. This reminds them that children don’t “move on.” That children don’t “get better with time.”
By denying her this information you denied your daughters the right to let their mom know she was missed and you denied your wife the right to know she was missed. No one benefited from the withholding of information.
My advice is to send a text saying the following:
“Yesterday when you sent a text saying you missed the girls…I should have replied that they miss you….They do miss you. They miss you terribly. I should have told you this yesterday. And it was mean of me not to say this. I’m sorry.”
I know this is a hard thing to write but it tells her something pleasant: She is loved and valued and missed by her children. A mother wants to know this.
It acknowledges that you did something mean. But--more important--She didn't have to tell you. You figured it out on your own and came back and apologized.
This will go a long way to heal your relationship.
You made a comment “Not my circus, not my monkey.”
Yes. Like it or not. It is your circus. And it is your monkeys. You can join another circus with different monkeys but you will still have her in your life forever because she is the mother of your children.
