Fresh separation - trying to play by the book

[Mozza]

Zimmy,

Thanks for sharing your reflections. Make sure you also save them on your own computer for later. It's a difficult exercise, I'm sure. Some might say that it diverts your energy from looking at the future. For now, I say we can't help thinking about the past and what went wrong and I see value in this. As you can tell, I'm still trying to figure out where the faults lie in my own separation. Hopefully, that will help us know what we should change and what's beyond our control.

A few quick notes on what worked and what didn't.

Didn't work.
* Begging, pleased, crying. We talked for a week before I relented and every day it got worse. Day one, separation was an option; day 2 it was the main option; day 3 it was the only option. By the last day, it was the first step to a divorce (she backed off a few days later).

* Being nice and affectionate to her. She turned quite mean at a time. She offered sex, I jumped, then she rescinded. Should would tell me she was uncomfortable, tell me to talk with friends instead, etc.

* Being deaf to her complaints, prior to the separation. She told me almost nothing new when she announced her desire to leave. I feel like a fool for not seeing it coming.

* Not reading about marriage and couple dynamics, believing that I could just wing it, especially after W had an A in 2009. Now I'm flooded with information, but it might not be enough.

Worked
* Nothing? Well, nothing slowed down her departure a bit, so I'm wondering what I can consider to be effective.

* Letting go. On Sept 11 (a date that will live in infamy...), I abandoned and told her that she could go if she wanted to. She was surprised by that and, in the middle of the night, came to cuddle in our bed. We made love. Twice and for hours. This is what convinced me to look more into DB-like methods. (but she left anyway!)

* Crying, pleading, begging. It worked in 2009. This year, she told me once that she had doubts at some point when she saw how much hurt she was causing. But then, in the morning, her resolve would be back. Makes me wonder if I should have showed my pain more.

* Going dark (well, with 2 kids...). It has helped me reduce my expectations and sadness. Since I don't make any requests, nor even suggestions, I can't be disappointed. And I'm hypersensitive to this. For instance, I once put a hat she had left home on a top of things she had requested and was going to pick up outside the apartment. When I saw that she left the hat and took the rest, I was crushed for hours.

Our separation is cordial. She doesn't seem to do anything to hurt me on purpose. Sure, she's clumsy and hurts me regularly (see the Officer Payne episode above...), but she's never mean, like I've seen in some other stories here. We act as two people in pain who keep their distances to avoid further pain. She's much more upbeat than me, but I manage to be neutral, detached, in my communications with her.