Fresh separation - trying to play by the book

[Zimmy]

Mozza: your feelings are perfectly normal. I feel the exact same way. I keep hoping that when reality sets in and he starts to see beyond the fantasy of his affair partner and all he gave up to have her, that he will suddenly think, OMG - what did I do? I miss Zimmy and our life together. But he is so determined to pursue this path right now, that it seems like he will never get there and have any regrets. I too cry about how he could just detach from me and what I thought was our deep bond - we used to share everything, we worked together, rode horses together, bought a beautiful home together, shared the most amazing vacations and holidays. I miss him every moment. I just can't fathom how he can't miss all that.

I think that part of the reason that he is so dead set to pursue this other life is that he feels like he has done so much damage and broken so much glass that he can't turn back now. I mean, I think in his perfect world, he would have left me first (hoping that I had never found out about the affair) and then introduced his HausFrau as his new and improved girlfriend and all would be well with limited drama. Unfortunatetly, it threw a wrench in his plans when I found the evidence of his affair. Then, under guidance from my therapist and other books, I outed the affair to his parents, his sister and to my boss at work and our friends. The idea there being that it exposed his behavior and would help to crash the fantasy. This did not work - instead it just made it harder for him to turn back on his decision, because if he did that, he would have to admit that he did something really dumb and he was wrong.

Having said all that, I don't think he would have come home one way or the other, regardless of the truth coming out. He doesn't seem to have much shame about the affair in any case, and assures me that all the people he's spoken to about this assure him that he is making the right choice.

Oh Mozza, I am so broken. I tried everything I could to fix us and nothing was right / good enough. I feel like I have no hope forever, and I need to accept that he just doesn't want me anymore and move on with my life.

Here is a list of things I think I did well:

* Tried hard to be wonderful, light, fun, supportive and attractive - this worked great when things were going well. He told my mutual friend that I was looking so amazing - I know that he finds me very attractive and we have amazing chemistry. I also worked really hard to show him how much I cared, gave him little gifts, planned a weekend getaway for us at a B&B in Greenwich, planned fun dinners and lunches. Some of this was very much contradictory to DB principles, I know, but also it was working in the beginning, and I hope that someday he will look back at some of those times together (including mind-blowing sex) and thoughtful gifts and think: WTF did I do???.

* Bizarrely, he seemed to listen to me when I tried to talk to him about his irrational behavior, at least at first when he was still questioning his decision. I used to be the person he would go to for advice and guidance, and some of that respect was still there in his mind. There is so much unavoidable logic in me pointing out all the flaws in his thinking, and sometimes it would sway him and he would really listen. I just needed to keep my cool more and be a better listener rather than try to force feed it to him.

* Lost weight (the infidelity diet worked wonders) and got an amazing new wardrobe. Think he was really astounded by my makeover - there were times where he couldn't take his eyes off me.

Things I might have reconsidered / done better:

* Exposing the affair to co-workers. This certainly helped me as it allowed my team to understand my situation and give me air cover at the office (note: we both work together), but it also resulted in the situation being more real and making it harder for my ex to change his decision (though not sure he would have). I would still have exposed the affair to his family though and my very close friends, as otherwise he would have just gotten away with it in the end and I truly needed their support to get through this very difficult time.

* Wish I had more patience and prevented myself from panicking when the fear was setting in / he was backpeddling and/or saying difficult things that triggered my emotions. In those situations, I would start telling him exactly what I thought about him uncensored... I wish I could have taken a deep breath and kept myself from rushing to react / respond. NOTE TO OTHERS: this is critical! Don't make my mistake. And don't push your spouse into a corner if you don't have to - the more you force them to a decison, the more entrenched they will be.

* I wish I wouldn't have kicked him out of the house instantly upon learning of his affair. I am not sure this would have changed the outcome in any event, but I wish I would have taken more time to think about my options before I reacted. Maybe if I could have kept him at home I could have influenced things a bit more / made it harder for him to carry on with the OW. Probably not, and maybe that would have just been more painful for me too. I don't know...

* I wish I had done more to stop him from going to Germany to be with her over Labor Day weekend. I feel like before that trip he was really leaning towards me and our life; when he got back, he was totally brainwashed and it was the beginning of the end.

* I wish I would have checked in more often about our relationship and communicated my needs in the relationship (referring to the pre-crisis times). I wish I would have made our romance and sex more of a priority.

* I wonder if I should have given him more space / no contact sooner so that it was my decision vs. his to end it? Would that have helped? I don't know.

* I wish I could let go of this more, detach, and stop blaming myself for this or wondering why I wasn't good enough or lovable enough to prevent him from doing this to me. I wish I could stop feeling like I was somehow inadequate when compared to the OW.

I was just trying to lay out some of my thoughts about what worked and didn't throughout this whole process. It's hard, even in hindsight to figure out what works - so much is out of your control. There were moments where I really felt that I was making progress, he was being drawn home, and then he would see or talk to her and the pendulum would swing dramatically in the wrong direction.

Welcome other's views on what has worked or not.