Train, are You OK??

[Train]

Ok, I have a quiet moment now. Those happen so rarely, especially these days!

I *think* I'm doing a little better. I can look back on the first week after I confronted D18 about being pregnant, and - if this makes sense - I feel the burden of the bewilderment, the disappointment, the sadness and the grief I felt. Because I can look back and feel those things in hindsight, I think that means I'm not feeling so much that way anymore. Hahaha. It's bad when I have to rely on such "benchmarks" to gauge my present feelings, eh?

The dust, though, seems to be settling on all fronts.

I'm still struggling with some PTSD-like responses from the wreck. Those have seemed to actually overshadow any similar (but obviously different) responses that I had from H's A earlier this year. We'll be dealing with insurance issues for some time, so I've decided that I don't have many options where that's concerned, except just sit and wait and take things one day at a time. I'm almost finished up with the chiropractor, and I'm thinking I should probably get some IC to deal with some of the responses and fears I'm having. But that's an expense all on its own. And right now, my mental health seems like the least of my worries ... though I know it would be a mistake to neglect myself. When I think of IC for me, all I see is a huge tangled web of MANY long-standing issues. And I see dollar signs. Lots of 'em.

As for D18, she's starting to face the reality of her situation. And although I hate to see her heartbroken, I'm thankful to see she's processing the weight of her new reality. It isn't going to be easy. I'm grieving the dreams I had for her but slowly making peace with the fact that she is on her own path. And she will be okay. I have gathered my little village of strong mamabears to rally behind her and empower her. And I am trying to help her out with midwife recommendations; in fact, I called my midwife yesterday, who is no longer here in town. We talked for over an hour. It was nice. And empowering for ME.

Baby-Daddy has finally stopped pushing for abortion, realizing that's a losing battle. So now he (and apparently also his mom, via him) is pushing for adoption. Not that I think adoption is a poor option for people, but it's just not an option in our family. They clearly don't know us. At all. He still hasn't been here to meet me. I still haven't heard from his parents. He continues texting D18, but he's digging in his heels about his involvement with a child. Still, he's hesitating to relinquish his paternal rights, even though D18 - who is a very black-and-white person who NEEDS answers and decisiveness (it drives me CRAZY about her) - is asking him to sign the papers so that she, in her mind, can begin to move forward and plan her life.

I have put feelers out to a L friend of mine, so that ball is ready to start rolling if he finally makes a choice to officially bow out.

One day at a time: That's about right, Starsky. But, yes, I'm tired of living my life this way and having to use the same mantras - "one day at a time," "it could always be worse" - to get through life. It just shouldn't be like this. Not this rapid-fire of big issues ... all within months (and sometimes weeks) of one another.

It IS a bad chapter of my life. There are no explanations for why it's all happened ... or why it's all happened the WAY it's happened.

But I know I'll charge through it. Just like all the other storms. I mean, is there a different option? Not for me.

And at the end of it all, maybe I still won't be able to make much sense of it. But it will all still, well, BE. And either I'll have an understanding, or I won't. Acceptance has to come either way. And I know, at least in D18's case, something so, so, so good is coming out of it. A life. A baby. And, yes, even watching my daughter join the ranks of all the powerful women in this world who have created a life and turned - seemingly in an instant - from self-absorbed women-children into a strong, responsible, loving mothers. That is something to be celebrated. And I know that time will come, even while I am saddened that it has come entirely too soon.

As for H and me? We're still working together and, as far as I can tell, still feeling like a team in all this madness ... which is a miracle in its own right. I look back sometimes at the months before he initiated his A and I think: Was that really us?!? How could we have been THERE??? How did we get there? We were nothing more than irritated roommates. Not a team. Not lovers. Not friends.

I'm so thankful I have him by my side right now. Things may not be perfect. And he may still say things at certain times that cause my blood to boil ... and maybe even say things I shouldn't (or at least shouldn't at that particular time, in that particular tone of voice), but I think we are learning a little better how (and even WHEN) to communicate with one another.

It's progress, not perfection, right?

Thank y'all, again, for checking on me. I hope to be on more now that the dust is settling some.

Starsky, when is the move-date for your daughter and granddaughter? Still feeling heavy-hearted for you and your family ...