Right now, she doesn't see they don't deserve her response, however, some day she will see it.
We are still waiting for that someday. I spent the week on a business trip, and due to plans made 8+ months ago, W and the kids joined me for a long weekend after the work part had concluded. No real connection between me and W and the trip ended up being all about the kids, which was understandable as they were around all the time and there was no 1:1 time for W and me. Still, felt W was a bit detached and I still am not feeling much, if anything, towards her.
So W tells we today "we need to talk" and mentions how she has not been able to live up to no contact even though she wants to, how OM has stated that he wants her to go through with D and for them to be together, but that despite her strong conviction the A remains in the past, she still is talking to him about the non-A stuff (like OMs personal sitch) and how hard it is for her to let go even though she wants to fix M and be done with OM.
Part of me wanted to tell her how much I feel for her and how hard it must be for her, but instead I maintained a "either you end all contact with him or we are done " stance. Not as threat, just recognizing we are not going to be able to fix us if she she cannot let feelings for OM go. She recognizes NC is the only way for her to move forward, but I'm not sure she is strong enough to maintain it. She even mentioned how she blocked OM on her phone but then unblocked him because she "feels bad" for him and wants everyone to "be good" with the outcome/end of all this. She needs and wants to not care about OM anymore but is having a very hard time getting to that point.
So the honesty continues at a level it hasn't been at for a long, long time, but by the same token we have a long, long way to go.
Me: 45 W:43 M: 15, T:21 2 Kids- S-14, D-12 A Started: 10/2013 Discovered as EA: 6/2014, as PA: 7/2014 A changing, not ending Start DB'ing 9/2014 Same house, same bed
So you have told her that NC and full transparency is necessary for you to remain in the marriage, she has violated NC but is being transparent about it.
Hmmmmm. I think I'd call that a "test." A big, fat TEST.
Wow, that is the exact same script I got from my W after I moved back home and had the NC talk. How she feels bad, they're just friends, I'm scared he will do something if I cut him off crap. I will admit, it took some me a while to build up the courage to stand up and say its over or I'm gone, but I would not be where I am now if I had not. As long as she has any contact with OM you're most likely just spinning your wheels and making no true progress with fixing your M.
For me, it was change phone number, block OM number even though hers was changed, and full transparency with every device we own.
separated since 9/01/13 M-31 W-36 D-4 Move back home 12/26/13 3 months of tough times Finally in a happy M
Hi everyone, it’s been a while in between posts as things are very confused here and I don’t really have a plan on next steps, or even an understanding of what I want anymore. Nonetheless, wanted to journal a bit to keep everyone updated. There’s been a good amount of talking between W and me. We’ve talked openly, brutally, about how she continues to be in contact with OM, mainly because she still cares for him, even if she doesn’t want the A anymore. What she does want is to help him with all his problems (he can’t take care of himself and now has a kid on the way with a GF he is broken up with) and for his GF not to hate her. She herself says that “OM is only out for OM” and she tells me he very much wants A to restart. She’s not “relying” on him, deflecting a lot of what he texts her, but W is clearly enjoying the contact and gets satisfaction out of trying to help him. I’m convinced the relationship is no longer physical, but she sees, texts and talks to him a lot (intel backs this up). In a sick sort of way we are actually getting better because there is much more honesty now, and she is not nearly as deep into the relationship with the OM, no more sex, no more talking of running away with him, etc. But of couse he is still in her life, nearly daily. So her relationship with him get a little worse, and ours a little better. Oh, did I mention W is starting up again with an old fling? Guy who works in another city, but they were in the same place for a business trip last week and it seems clear he is her newest toy. If W is craving excitement and newness, she is never going to get that from a mature relationship like ours. So even if we get past OM(s) and fix the holes in the marriage, I have every reason to believe there will be a string of OMs because of her need for excitement and something to obsess on. For some strange reason I am taking solace in the fact that W is not fantasying about lives with these OMs but is instead thrill seeking with them. Never thought I’d say that. So I’m in a huge state of limbo, and am sure I will be told I’m supporting cakeating- stop messing around and file for D. Thing is, I don’t know if I really care about her emotionally anymore, but the day to day life is still brings a lot of enjoyment and stability. Beautiful house, great friends, happy kids, nice conversations with W, etc. So do I file for D and just trade one set of shortcomings and unhappiness for another? Everyone here will tell me I can’t keep living this way forever and that it will take a huge emotional toll, and I’m sure that’s right, but for now all I know is I’m not ready to leave this house and family and that I really don’t care what W does or doesn’t do outside the home anymore. That said, the road I am on will almost unquestionably lead to divorce, perhaps later rather than sooner, but with kids at home, maybe later is better. I’ve given up all hope of getting my “old” W or marriage back- those are long gone. So do I want to live in this state of limbo and get my unsatisfied needs met elsewhere like she is doing? Enjoy the stability of the lifestyle and joy of being around the kids daily, and just let it ride and see where it takes me in 3 months, 6 months, a year? Do I want to try and build a new relationship with her, basically from the ground up, in the hopes that once we get to a good place she will not need to rely on other men for excitement or emotional support? Is that even possible while she’s got OMs in the picture? Going dark (again) will just lead to a bad environment that she will run away from. I feel she would sooner agree to a D rather than give up OM contact at this point-W will not end these relationships while marriage is not in a good place, and trying to convince her that she needs to stop going outside the marriage in order to give the marriage a chance hasn’t worked and will not work. So I’m not in a rush anymore. Either we will go our separate ways when we are both ready to do so or we will decide to put in a little effort, bit by bit, and see if we can build a foundation we agree is strong enough to give us hope of rebuilding. But right now, there isn’t enough here to build on and I may be OK with that.
Me: 45 W:43 M: 15, T:21 2 Kids- S-14, D-12 A Started: 10/2013 Discovered as EA: 6/2014, as PA: 7/2014 A changing, not ending Start DB'ing 9/2014 Same house, same bed
If you're willing to live out your life like that, that's pretty sad. You are a creation of God Himself, and worth SO much more than that.
We can't tell you what to do -- only YOU have to live with the consequences. I said earlier that your wife was testing you, and I asked how you were going to respond. My guess from reading your latest update is that if we asked your wayward wife right now, and if she were to be honest with us, she's say that she has ol' Bart EXACTLY where she wants him.
Serial adultery is not pretty. If this were your 24-year old son, 10 years from now, asking you for your advice as his father . . . what would you tell him?
All good points that I need to sort. Perhaps my answer would be that monogamy is an unrealistic, unobtainable goal for many and that is a product more a superimposed moral code than the reality of human desire. That only a very very few people are lucky enough to find someone who meets all their needs at all times throughout all stages of life. That everyone has their deal breakers, that each person must accept how much bad to accept to get the good, and where their line is.
Maybe right were she wants me is a place I'm OK being. At least for now, while I figure things out.
My marriage is gone- that I know. My only question is what do I want my future to look like, and for once I’m taking my time to figure that out rather than rushing in.
Last edited by Bart42; 11/10/1409:20 PM.
Me: 45 W:43 M: 15, T:21 2 Kids- S-14, D-12 A Started: 10/2013 Discovered as EA: 6/2014, as PA: 7/2014 A changing, not ending Start DB'ing 9/2014 Same house, same bed
All good points that I need to sort. Perhaps my answer would be that monogamy is an unrealistic, unobtainable goal for many and that is a product more a superimposed moral code than the reality of human desire. That only a very very few people are lucky enough to find someone who meets all their needs at all times throughout all stages of life. That everyone has their deal breakers, that each person must accept how much bad to accept to get the good, and where their line is.
Bullchit. If that's how you'd counsel your own son, I feel sorry for him. Raise your bar, man -- raise your bar!
Perhaps my answer would be that monogamy is an unrealistic, unobtainable goal for many and that is a product more a superimposed moral code than the reality of human desire
Man, did you really just say that? Perhaps that's your answer? Perhaps?
Well is it or isn't it?
And is that what you want? There is plenty of monogamy out there - it's not a quaint notion subscribed to by only a few. If you want monogamy, insist on it. And if your W can't deliver, then start working toward what you want.
Get unstuck. Determine your goal and start working toward it. Lead. W will either align with your goal, or she won't.
The alternative is that you aren't what you want, and you aren't what she wants. And that is no way to live.
