my chance = HIS chance

[makingmagic]

Eric... how did I offend you in my response to Smurf? I am apologizing for the mix up & taking some responsibility and offering an explanation. Why would I want her (or anyone) to be ill-informed...how does that help her to understand my sitch better or for me to receive proper advice based on truth?... I don't get it... am I supposed to let it slide and ignore it?

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My thoughts before bed last night... Yes, I am too available which may come across as needy/clingy. Also, my recent behaviour where I shared my insecurities & it makes me look weak. Add to this, learning about self value.

From this... I am prepared to step back from him (somewhat) and learn to be more independent. Learn what a life without him "there" is like. To be able to do this, I have been taking the steps to purchase a house. Until then, I don't know what else I can do. What can be done today?

Eric...I am responding because you took the time to ask the questions... so, lets break this down, please. If you can, I have asked questions in return which I feel will help me to understand your point better. I am truly trying to understand. However, if you feel that its too much.. I am sorry. I felt that responding in this length would be beneficial.

Eric, you ask... am I READY to hear what people say?... I honestly believe I am doing this already & have for many months and am prepared for more. Otherwise, how did I grow & how he come back?

am I ready to walk away from this man (if temporary) to help myself?... Yes, however I feel that I already did this... and he came forward. Explain why this is not the case? How do you see this differently?

I feel I did face my fear of losing him...it sucked... I was on my path (admit still early on my path) to acceptance & learning to go on without him. I had accepted that he may be with OW & be living a life without me too. I was considering dating. I was considering my business/work options. I was reviewing and organizing my finances. I was spending ALOT of time with friends & going out to concerts....GAL. I belong to a women's group that helps to keep me inline. When you say that "save yourself, fix yourself first & then work on R".... doesn't the above show this is what I have been doing?... my next goals are to work on my relationships with my daughter & parents. They were symptoms to my growth. I need to do some repair there.

Now, I agree with you partially when you say that "everything" I am doing is to get him back.... hmmmmm... I would say that he is on the road back, so everything I have done, has helped for him to come back... but it was NOT just to get him back... it was about changes I needed to make...for me. AND... there are still more to make..for me.... the bonus was getting him to look my way again.

When you suggest in order for me to fix myself, I must let go... how do I let go? Are you suggesting I do it again? (please be specific) Again, I feel like I did... I stopped asking him stuff, I didn't care anymore what he was doing or who he was with, I feel I detached myself because I loved him enough to let him go figure himself out... <<< isn't this letting go?

To be specific to your examples:

1) I do not take a weekly income. We take annual income ... this is changing (our accountant is back in 2 weeks, this is our new agenda). Therefore, my cash flow is limited. I have large funds available to place a down payment on a house, but my pocket money is nil.... I find $250/visit VERY expensive. What do others pay "out of pocket"?
2) If & when I get to counselling... it will be to fix myself....then aim for MC
3) I believe you.
4) yes, it was my mistake... and I have been very hard on myself for 2 years. Afraid to make a mistake. It was Job who suggested at one point to learn by my mistake & not do it again. To not beat myself up so much.... I am still in "school". I forgive myself too (this is new, this is growth)

dismissive? I am truly sorry if you feel that way and if my ways come across like that. I KNOW that you and many of the wise posters on here spend ALOT of time trying to teach me & get frustrated. Please believe me I get frustrated too... but, never dismissive. I look back at times to review what you have said & try to apply it. to try it on... to see if it makes sense. You say many of the posters would disagree that I am working on myself... this is upsetting because I know that when I look over my shoulder to where I was & where I am now, there has been change.

Believe me... I do NOT want the advice of "tell her what she wants to hear".. this would not be helpful. I do want to know why its not applicable...because if I look at him & where I was almost 2 years ago... he is not gone, he is around, he was completely gone before... now he is sniffing...checking things out. Isn't he? This is how I see it... .and his words are now lining up with his actions... its a start.. isn't it?

Admittingly, at times I want him to do more changing and I guess it comes across as me asking how to make him change (He needs to want the changes himself... and he says he does). I guess what I am after is what further changes can I make in myself to get what I want from him.... I want it faster. I am impatient (I get that).

Knowing me.. the new me... I would NOT do a ridiculous dance to get him back... this is hurtful. Ouch. I guess it appears to many on here, that I would... not sure what to say or do to make anyone believe any different.

It is my recent training & belief to learn to sit back and allow him to do the work. To see what HE really wants. Manipulation and controlling has worked in the past to getting what I wanted, but only temporary. I am learning that "IF" I can hold off, listen & watch... I may see & come to know what HIS wants are. <<< this is more authentic!!

I will take what you say about losing him... I do not want to lose him... however, I don't "fear" losing him anymore. I am not near as scared as I used to be... I have lived through almost 2 years of him not by my side. I have more to go on this (getting a house will help). I know other men would desire me & some may treat me even better than him. It is my choice to want to work on things with him.

Yes, MLC or not.. the steps have been the same: continue to work on me, GAL, and stay detached (until safe).... I am determined. I am the prize.