Magic, You need to get some professional counseling to better understand yourself. If you weren't able to speak to your doctor yesterday, then continue trying until you do. The issues that you have are issues that we can't help you fix. Only you and a therapist can do this, if you are willing to do the necessary work to figure out why you do the things that you do. This board can't help you with those deep underlying issues, but IC will be the key to helping you better understand yourself.
