Wife dropped the bomb Part 2

[HopeTex]

Thanks for checking in Nitty. I think I am doing ok. THe first two weeks after the move were really brutal, as I've mentioned.JUst overwhelming and debilitating.

I am now in the 4th week post-move, and altho I have some really tough stretches of time, maybe a couple hours, I can definitely see an improvement in my overall health and state of mind. After dropping about 15-20 lbs in 3 weeks, I am eating again. Sleep (with meds) is getting better and better. I am able to get stuff done at work.

THe things I have been doing right are: exercising, staying in close contact by phone or in person with family and friends, especially guys who have gone thru this themselves, scheduling activities in the evening when I don't have the kids so that I am not just sitting around the apartment, prayer, giving myself grace, letting myself experience the grief instead of trying to stuff it or deny it, being introspective about what this experience is teaching me, what I can learn from the marriage and improve myself, etc.

Guys that have been thru this say that I am doing the right things, "doing the work" they call it" and this will help me heal well in due time.

The relationship with the kids is so great. Being solo with them for days on end has been exhausting but awesome. Contrary to my fears, I am actually a really capable caregiver! We have had a good time together, and I can already tell that our relationship is going to be so much deeper than it has been. Very nice silver lining there....

I am not sure if I have been DB'ing or not. The first two weeks for just so traumatic, I just tried to survive. Talks with W were about basic logistics, nothing else. I guess that is better than me pursuing, begging, etc.

This week I find that I am going through an Anger stage. I am mad at her for what she is doing to me and the kids. This translates into me not wanting to be around her, because right now her mere presence sets me off into a really bad mood spiral. So I am trying to not spend any more time with her than absolutely possible, I am declining her invitations for family dinner etc., and am jealously guarding my time with the kids and declining her self-invitations to join us.

Frankly this week I have been a bit short and cold and nit-picky and rude in my dealings with her. Not the best attitude or strategy, but that is where I am right now. She is way ahead of me in detaching, and she wants us to be the happy divorced couple that hangs out, no hard feelings. I am not anywhere close to that yet, not sure I ever will be.

The other day she texted that we should still do Sunday dinners together because "the kids need to see us operating well as a family unit." I bit my tongue and didn't take the bait on that one. But declined the offer.

In the past week I think I have dealt with my anger by pushing her away, and mentally giving up on the M. I think it is self-protection, since hoping for a change is so hard. I have tried to pick up the pace on the D proceedings, if it is going to happen I just feel like I want to get it over with and move to the next chapter in life. I see no real hope of a reconciliation pre-D, and only a minimal chance post-D someday. I am spending less time hoping for reconciliation, more time thinking about what is negative about her and the M, and more time imaging a brighter future with a healthier me and a healthier relationship with someone else someday.

Sometimes this attitude feels good, like it is me accepting reality and detaching and moving on. Other times I feel like I have given up DB'ing, and have given up on the marriage too early.

I suppose I need to get to a place where I am detached and have "dropped the rope" and am working on myself instead of focusing on her still. THat way there is a better me that comes out of this, regardless of whether she ever wants to restore the M.

Lots of confusing thoughts...