Hey all, I'm not posting quite as often but wanted to say thank you for the support. What a caring group of people. Caring enough to inspire me when I need inspiration, and redirect me when I'm going down cheese less tunnels.
This is a big week for me. My DB coach told me to find my own place. Reminder, I am staying with a friend for next to nothing and still depositing 100% of my income in the joint account. The plan was for her to get a job (she is a sahm) but she hasn't been proactive, or even active. It's been 4 months now and I'm no longer being reasonable, I'm being a rug and communicating that my needs are unimportant. Not only do I not have a place for me, it means I don't get much time with my children as I am still just visiting them at the house 2 times weekly. Once I have a place I can upgrade to every other weeken and a night a week. This is good for me and necessary for the Children.
Of course, this means explaining to my STBX that I won't be supporting her to this extent anymore. I am going to separate finances and start giving her a monthly support payment similar to what the courts might order. This is nowhere near enough for her to support the household. My DB coach said to answer questions about how she is supposed to pay for everything with an answer like 'I'm not telling you what to do, I'm telling you what I'm going to do. The children need more time to spend with me in a place we feel comfortable. This is the biggest priority.' Whether she gets a job, sells the house, forecloses, moves in with relatives, or replaces me with someone else, all up to her.
To protect myself I've met with an attorney and will be drawing up separation paperwork on Wednesday. I will serve it to her later this week. This will protect me to a large extent from her racking up debt.
I am speaking to DB coach again tomorrow to work out the details of how to present this. I was thinking about still giving 100% of my income in November just to give her some time to prepare for real, but want her opinion. Also, she told me not to file D yet...the separation was my attorneys idea and we wouldn't file it, just serve it to protect me and prepare for separation of finances. Seems in line with DB coach but want her opinions on that as well.
The exciting part is that once I do that I will basically be living as I wi be post divorce in every way but name. From where I'm at that's a step up. For my STBX that will mean starting to face some tough realities. She thinks she'll be partying on the weekends I have the children but she may be working and dealing with the reality of a single mom. Not hoping she suffers, just hoping it helps her hit her bottom so she starts taking better care of herself.
Finally, I accepted the job and start 11/3. This is a big part of my GAL, not letting my sitch hold me back. It's scary but I think i can do it. In the 2-3 year range it could be a big income raise, like adding a salary on top of my salary. Can't wait to dive in!
So lots going on. Scary job. I'm scared of y STBX's reaction but challenging myself to grow and further detach my self worth from her judgment. I am realizing that I'm a good guy...in fact, the less I depend on her to believe that the healthier I feel. Having fun and many more good days than tough. More to come after these exchanges go down, thank you all and soldier on!
Last edited by Zues126; 10/21/1405:45 AM.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
