What is going on in their heads?

[Zimmy]

His approved list might look something like:

* Really want to explore possibilities with the OW, who is wonderful and perfect and such a good person and makes feel amazing and jealous and insane - ahhhh, I'm so in love! (NOTE from Zimmy - gagged when I wrote this...). We have a deep connection that only we can understand. What we have can't be wrong - I am sorry that Zimmy got hurt, but that wasn't intentional, it just happened and the OW feels awful.

* There is something about the OW's simple life that is appealing. She has a normal 9-5 job and his a homebody, cooks, etc. (in contrast to Zimmy who is a successful and ambitious investment banker with many stressful responsibilities and works long hours).

* Don't feel in love with Zimmy anymore - maybe that means that I never really loved her and our relationship was never right, though I admit that we had a great 7 years together and I miss her and I will always love her. Things just ran their course.

* Something must have been wrong with my relationship with Zimmy to allow me to fall into an affair. Don't think we prioritized each other enough recently and should have gotten married sooner (he said that he thinks this was the initial crack that led to the affair). Fact that we broke up several times before is a sign that we weren't working.

* Have a right to be happy; shouldn't force myself to stay in a relationship if there is a better option. People break up all the time.

* Initially I was just naive and fell into the affair and things got far along before I really realized how far gone I was. Would never have imagined before this that I would jeopardize my life with Zimmy.

* I've caused too much damage and things have gone too far to turn back now. I've committed to the OW, and if I came home now I would be miserable. Need to play this out. Time will tell if I made the right decision (but I think I have).

Any of this sound familiar???? I have taken this pretty much verbatim from clues and bits and pieces of feedback he has given me.

As to your example of the break-up, they detach once they've made the decision because they don't want to be talked back into things. It's a total defense mechanism, and one which I am not sure how combat.

I have read DR. It's these really final conversations that always derail me, because I feel like it's really over, so I go into freak-out mode and lose my cool. I just sent a separate email to the group asking how best to handle this tomorrow. Welcome guidance. It's really hard to know what the right answer is. I guess it depends on how fed up you really are....