Please help me

[25yearsmlc]

So he texted again? Well well. As a teaching point, I am going to use a little "pen" here to support the good parts of this, which are present (YAY!!)

but to cross thru the parts where you are either pursuing, blaming, criticizing, pressuring OR just whining & radiating your pain and neediness, which is NOT attractive. Remember, guilt pushes them away, it does NOT draw them back!
(Not for long anyway.)....

H sent me a text this morning saying that he misses me and misses the kids "horribly". He went on to say that, "None of us sees very far into the future" and wonders if it will ever feel important for me to talk to him again.

I texted back that I missed him also and that I was sorry for not answering his previous texts. I said he is missing so many things regarding our daughters since we've separated.

You could have mentioned the things he missed -- INSTEAD of pointing out that he missed them, which He knows already.
Saying "H, Daughter also won 2nd place in the spelling bee!...", And NOT Saying "You missed the spelling bee"...

See the ^^ difference?

I told him that he is free to come over any time whether I am there or not but that I probably won't be able to stay for his entire visit until I have completely detached. You need NOT tell him about your detachment process ever, at all. That's your issue, not his. Don't give him DB talk or mention your progress - or your pain.

That might just remind him of HIS pain. He had many nights feeling rejected for years. I know you regret that.

I'm merely observing that his pain was real too, and you can't dismiss it b/c you feel pain now. Make sense?

Nor do you need to mention the marriage at all, unless it comes up and at that point, I'd LISTEN a lot to what he says. It's a chance to hear his point of view more. Get clues to what bothered him the most. And If the opportunity arises - your goal is to show CHANGE IN YOU, not more of the same, not more making demands of him. Don't go to him with your needs, esp when you know he doesn't want to meet those needs yet.

Be a source of good feelings for/ about him in his life, if/when he seeks it out from you. Other than OW talk, try to do what My DB coach told me to do, which is to "listen Like a Lover" and "Applaud Loudly for the 1% of positives he does". it's not easy to do (it can be Mother Teresa Hard to do...but it HELPS A LOT more than you may think.

I asked if I could email him from time to time and he said my emails are ALWAYS welcome even if he doesn't like the message.

Without knowing what else went with that ^^ request, I think it sounds fine.

I know I need to continue working on detaching and GAL-ing. Any other suggestions? I really had to fight the urge to bring up OW.

Thank GOD you did not bring her up. THINK OUT how that conversation would go...first off, it would last MAYBE one minute and then he never would have heard the good stuff you did get to say.
Do NOT bring her up. Be the better choice. That means you must show change.

IF and ONLY IF you can handle this, then maybe you could

TELL HIM that in a way, you are glad about the changes this is forcing upon you b/c you "really needed to take a good look at how [you] were living and [you are] glad that these changes are finally happening."

Then drop it and don't bring OW up. Let him wonder about the changes you are referring to.

The phrase "If I had it all to do over again, there are lots of things I'd do differently" can be your new mantra.

It's not doormat -ish to say and it does not escalate things BUT it shows that you realize you needed to make some changes. That you wanted to remedy some things. Now you are.

Make sense?

Are you seeing a counselor yet? How is that going? I'm glad you watched those Ted Talk videos. I love them. Did you check out that workshop Essential Experience in Philly? I think it would change your life a lot and it's a great jump start on a long process.

Keep up the good work!