What is going on in their heads?

[Zimmy]

Mozza:

Great (or at least thoughtful) list. Here's mine:

1. Insecurity; need for validation and ego boost from the OW, who is "lesser" and therefore he feels like a bigger man. She strokes his ego and says everything he wants to hear.
2. Narcissism and selfish tendencies - it's always about him.
3. Shallowness / lack of emotional depth. Lack of understanding of what committed lasting love is and entails.
4. Partial mid-life crisis - doesn't seem to know who he is, what he wants, afraid to commit and settle down when there may be other options out there.
5. OW gave him a glimpse of another life that he currently feels compelled to explore. Also in the affair fog and thinks the fantasy is the real deal.
6. Thinks that we should have prioritized our relationship more and gotten married sooner after we got re-engaged.
7. Ability to compartmentalize and detach from his feelings rather easily.
8. Conflict avoidant and doesn't communicate how he is feeling (probably because he doesn't fully understand his feelings). Turns off his feelings to avoid the guilt.
9. Ability to rationalize his awful behavior (we must not have been right if he was able to start an affair, it's not an affair becasue we weren't married and he's found his soul mate and it's not about sex, I should get over it since I will find someone better for me, we are where we are so there is no turning back, he doesn't feel "it" for me right now and he would feel it vs. the affair if we were meant to be together, he's not a cheater since he's never cheated before, never intended to hurt me / it just happened, etc.).
10. Parents have always enabled him and never put any pressure on him. Never learned how to cope with unpleasantness, conflict. Dad had a 9-year affair on his mom after 25 years of marriage and ultimately left for the affair partner.

Wow, that's a long, damning list. Sigh...

Also, he just emailed me with: "Hi. Thought we should try to talk tomorrow. Maybe by phone or email. I know there is a lot going on and I think it would be helpful."

Which means he wants to talk about the logistics of splitting up. Breaks my heart. I don't want this. I shouldn't want such a damaged person, but I miss the good side of him and all our wonderful memories. Do you think he will ever miss me?

So sad...