I can be the lighthouse but not the tugboat

[daring]

Arrgghh- I'm grumpy again!
Today got text from H that D13 was having a rough time with math ( her hardest subject) and she failed her test and was being rude to everyone trying to help her. ( she's a pistol anyway but add the situation with H and I to her adolescence and it's like 4th of July sometimes). I also got a text from my nanny that S7 had a hard day at school, was crying a lot at minimal things and was being aggressive to two of his friends (not like him at all).
I really don't do well when my kids are having a hard time- and I get very irritable that the adult issues they shouldn't have to deal with are contributing.

When I got home H had been trying to help D13 with her math homework for a couple of hours. He was clearly out of reserve but as soon as I walked in said to me " S7 needs to talk about his day as it's pretty emotional for him and D13 needs to work on her math in order to retake her test and they haven't had dinner yet". Ummm- ok- can I walk in and catch my breath??
He at least stayed a few more minutes before leaving- when I walked outside to talk with him I said " I know you're stressed but telling me what's going on the way you did right when I walked in was a bit much" he said sorry- didnt mean to take it out on you. I said he didn't take it out on me- he wasn't mean- it just didn't set the stage positively for me to take over a try to help them.
He was understanding of that- and then said earlier D13 was being ugly and just said " what are you even doing here". He seemed almost teary when he said that. I said she's lashing out in the ways she knows will hurt- but she's also hurt by the situation.
I left it at that- those are his issues to work through- he made this choice and his kids are suffering. It's a harsh reality that makes me very angry ( especially compounded by my own issues) so I have to work very hard not to project- but I'm also not going to be the fixer and try to minimize it all.
Gotta work through my own issues on this topic as it's keeping me cycling through anger.....