Recent Separation...trying to cope

[dil]

MrBond, Thank you for that dose of reality. It was really hard to read every one of your replies but I really do see it as constructive criticism, which I do need.

In my mind I seem to have to make excuses or give myself reasons as to why these things are happening. I guess its my way of coping with the situation.

"since my parents never showed in their marriage. My parents divorced when I was 16. So I thought the things I was doing, like working, being there for her, talking to her, was just enough."

You're not your parents. You have control over your own life. Adding your parents in there is just an excuse.

I think I just subconsciously tried to treat my relationship how my parents did when growing up, not realizing that what they were doing, my dad specifically, did not work out in the end.

"However I don't think it played any role in the issues of our marriage shortly thereafter. During that time I was there to console her and make sure she was doing ok."

It played a big part. If you were off putting to her and not really understood how much the death affected her, it would show her that you didn't care. Or at least not care to the extent that she wanted.

This one cut to the core. I don't believe I was off-putting at anytime during or right after the funeral but I definitely showed her I cared and that I was there for her. But yes, to a certain extend she may have wanted me do more to show her I cared.

"My mistake was that I was still very much dwelling within my ego and not thinking about how I should resolve this, so I distanced myself and she did the same thing."

Yes that is the worst thing you could have done. Do you normally distance yourself when there's conflict?

I have in the past and I was actively working on avoiding that behavior even before the BD. It was one of the slip-ups I had and it came back to bite me for the worse.

She's not your slave or housekeeper. She was going through alot of things. If she normally kept the house tidy and then she stopped, then you should have picked up the fact that there was something bothering her. And now look where it's gotten you. Now you're the one whose going to have to keep everything tidy all by yourself once she's gone.

She didn't normally keep the house clean, it was mostly me, but I did mention to her once that it made me feel loved when she helped me once in a while around the house. Again, you're right that I didn't pick up that there was something bothering her and rather than distancing myself, I should have approached her lovingly to find out what was bothering her.

Really? You don't see it? Emotional support IS A BIG THING! And it's something that you've shown that you didn't want to give her before. Let's put it this way. She chose a M'd guy with 4 kids OVER you. This says less about her and more about the kind of situation you created for her that made her choose that over you.

I am realizing this more than ever. Its not that I didn't know that it was important before, like you said earlier, I placed my needs above hers, which was not the right thing to do.

There's plenty you can do. First thing is to grow up. You are going to have to learn to understand her emotional needs. REALLY understand them and start showing compassion and understanding. It seems like you have a hard time doing that and put yourself first.

Are you willing to change?

I do need to grow up. Reading DR has really helped me how to show more compassion when comes to the needs of my W. I think that I definitely need to get rid of my controlling habits and start focusing on how I need to improve myself to rise above that trait.

Again THANK YOU for your feedback, it has woken me up a bit and made look at myself differently on what I need to do to make this change. I am willing to change, and I am willing to do anything I can to make them and KEEP them.