I cannot accept that this is it.

[25yearsmlc]

Understand?

I believe so. I need to make these changes happen and she will see the on their own and/or through the kids. But I am making these changes for myself because they need to changed for me to be a better person with or without her.

If she brings up anything in regard to how I am or feel, or what is going on, do not be mean or rude, but vague, with a subtly of I would like things to be better, but respect her decision - no matter how much it hurts.

How does that sound?

Mostly great.

I think the part about "no matter how much it hurts" makes it sound as if you feel sorry for yourself, or see yourself as doing something sacrificial & noble.

But in reality

1) you have no choice but to accept her wishes. For one thing, there is a protective order in place, so you can't really "Fight" this. Moreover, Spouses no longer "give" a spouse a divorce (like the old days). Today, states grant divorces.

So the only only real option you have, is HOW you will go about doing it;

and besides, you now realize (b/c of the "awakening" you have had) that

2) you got yourself here by mistreating her, and or being clueless about control issues, anger mismanagement and an anxiety disorder.
The anxiety disorder probably manifested in yet more control issues, while the frustrations & anger probably showed up as more anger and or criticism.

SO INSTEAD,

I'd be more of a "wish I had treated you better b/c NOW I GET IT! NOW, and from this day forward, I'd be the husband you deserve and always wanted."

"And w, the thing is, I'm becoming that MAN now! And I'm the father of our children...SOooooo....."

[what you hope she realizes - is what you are really saying, which is....}

"So who better than I, should help you raise OUR children? And since I am now the man you always wanted me to be, why not make it work -- with ME?"

Billman, understand that Her fears now, are probably that if she takes you back again, you will do what you did in the past, and revert to your old ways. She can't do that again.

OR do what you did in the past, just not fixing things at all, to merely fake it well til she agrees.

Then you'll be your old self again, controlling her, micro managing, NEEDING, having no friends or hobbies and abdicating the parenting to her, OR micromanaging it. Remember

Your consistent changes, + sufficient TIME = changes she can believe in.


When all this^^^ happens, which does take TIME & consistent effort from you, the rest can fall in place.

Such as what she'll give up or modify to reassure you, and ways you both will keep tabs on how the marriage is going, etc.

On another note, here's a comment about GAL, I am paraphrasing.

"When someone says they can't GAL, b/c their other obligations hinder it, or whatever their reasons are, here is what they don't realize. They don't see how little they bring to the table for their WalkAway spouse.

Having zero interests outside the family & work, makes someone NOT a very interesting person. Whereas GAL means you are interestED in the world around you, and interestING to others.

People who won't GAL, are spectators in Life, not participants. Chances are a WAS wants a participant, and already regrets/resents what they've missed out on life."

Food for thought, yes?

So in short Billman, you need to Become a Man Only a Fool Would Leave...


Okay?