still holding on - 4

[u-turn]

I know Peter. Patience.
I've written myself a letter that won't be sent to W. I don't know if this will help with my patience, but it is how I feel. It may also help me with verbalizing if ever given the chance.

I told you that I didn't feel like you were coming back and you looked shocked by this.

What I meant by that was-

You have been nice to me, present for me and the kids and it seems normal at times and I love these normal times. Believe me that it is not a case of you not doing enough, but I want you to be true to yourself.

I don't need you to do nice things for me - unless you want to
I don't need you to be anything you don't want to be
I don't need you to do anything for me - unless you want to

I just want you to be you and I want to love that person. I choose to love you.

You want me to be happy and show happiness. I know I am in control of my feelings and happiness. I try, but sometimes it only covers what is happening since I do not know what you want or who you want or how you want your life to be. I am only waiting and faking it. I continue to hurt.

Not knowing what decisions you are making makes it so hard and unsettling. Not hearing or seeing that you have decided anything makes me doubtful. We are in the biggest crisis or our lives and you diluted it into - we are just fighting over something. I just don't see it that way.

I've said and written so many things this year - and I've meant it all at the time. Some I shouldn't have said and kept it to myself. Some were written and said in panic. I really think you know what I am about. I've been open with you.

I want to find the confidence in us that I have always had. I don't want to control you and I want you to be happy with who you are. I want to find a way to be husband and wife again - if that is what you want. I don't know how to get this back on my own. I think I can regain trust - but don't know how to do it on my own.

I want to know what you think your path is, what you find acceptable in a relationship, where you see me fitting in with that.

I am a traditional man, I have traditional values, and want a traditional relationship with you. Maybe I am naive and life doesn't happen like that. I just never concerned myself with that - ever. I need to know if it cannot be this way.