Fresh separation - trying to play by the book

[Mozza]

Argh! I found this in an old email where I explain to a friend how my W and I reconciled after she almost left me in 2009. He was going through a divorce himself and I was telling him to hang in there, not to give up even if his wife had suggested it was final.

W and I came that close to separating in 2009, while D was about 1 year old. Actually, the decision was so final that I had announced it to my parents, which is something that I had hidden from then until that moment because I didn't want them to know and worry about our difficulties -- only [best friend] knew in real time. We were already in the logistics. It was W's decision but I didn't want it to happen, so even though we understood that there was no going back, I wouldn't let her forget that I didn't want this to happen. It sure was easier for me than for you because I was there in person. But eventually, it paid off and W came to see the light and my point of view. The wall came down in one evening. We had just gone to some counseling session were she was completely disengaged. It really looked like a lost cause. But today, W is thankful that she changed her mind and our couple is stronger because of that. I can't imagine how much we would have thrown away because of these short-term difficulties.

In 2009, I did the opposite of DB. After a few weeks of arguing, reasoning, I understood she was leaving me and I broke down. I cried. A lot. I wrote her a letter, telling her that I had finally heard her. This letter was a turning point, among others. It worked.

And now I do just the opposite of this through DBing and giving her space, not reaching out, etc. In my defense, I pleaded for a week this time and it got worse every day. Perhaps she saw the same pleading and expected the same result. Still, I am now all confused. What am I supposed to do under the principle "do more of what works and less of what doesn't"?

I mentioned this close call above: yes, there is a pattern. My W has a strong flight reflex -- it shows beyond the R. Friends tell me to brace myself, that if she comes back, I'm in for going through this every 5 year or so. It's part of my reflection, but right now, I believe I can avoid it, make things better for good. I didn't know it was a pattern until recently so that's why I didn't address it.

In 2009, there was an OM. They had a short PA. He was a sweet talker, a married man who promised her was divorcing his wife anyway (four years later, he still hadn't...), that she was the most wonderful woman in the world, that he couldn't imagine how someone would level any criticism at her, etc. She fell for it. He disappointed her in the affair and she thought about what she was leaving behind. That's why she came back to me and our D. I forgave her A. Her commitment was firm and we decided to have another kid a couple of years later. Then five years later, she moved out and we share the two kids every second week. Sigh.