Maybell, I take the finality seriously because there's no indication it's not final. Or serious. Any indication I want to see is likely false or denial.
Someone says they practically despise you and want to leave the life you've made together, nothing tells me he's just saying that to get a rise out of me.
And, I do recognize my husband as a bit of a MLCer and typical WAS.
I'm realizing He only sees the things I didn't do and has used those things to firm my character in his head. He had thyroid cancer and I went to every appointment with him. I asked questions, did research, etc. what does he say? He didn't want me at those appointments and I never asked him how he was doing with it all. Actually, I did ask but it doesn't matter. Also when he would get down and "woe is me" when thyroid cancer is one of the only cancers you can be completely cured of, I would remind him if that, tell him to not let the word cancer scare him, it's not like the others, he's strong and resilient. I made the mistake of saying, "this is happening to me, too" which to me meant, "I'm scared and worried, too, but together we can get through this." He took it to mean that I was making his cancer about me. That's not what I was doing.
I don't always say or do the right things, I'll admit. I'm expected to be perfect and he walks away saying "I did the best I could" and that's supposed to be enough.
Where was he when I was going through PPD and dealing with a constantly crying, finicky baby? ? Oh, that's right. At work.
If I ever said that, all he'd hear is that I'm comparing my PPD to his cancer and how cold and heartless could I be?
Even comparing the two in my head is keeping score which I'm great at and trying to stop. The reality is, we BOTH treated each other like absolute chit. I want to fix it and he wants to relive it and carry around the anger of it like an effing badge of honor. Like a Purple Heart medal. Look what he's been through. Look how he's suffered. Any suffering he's caused me was because he can only handle so much but the suffering I've caused him means I'm a terrible person and unworthy of a marriage with him.
