I've dropped the rope....

[MrBond]

"but I guess it is just about being more relaxed around people. Not worrying that I will be judged. Showing my imperfectness and taking more risks. Looking for the humour in situations."

Too vague. Be specific as to what actions you are going to be doing. For example, I'm going to take risks like go skydiving for the first time. Things like that. A 'To Do' list would help.

"In respect of love life - fair point. H and I have talked about this and he knows I am willing to work on this."

But was it brought up before the A and you dismissed it?

"I guess there hasn't been a practical opportunity since we have S and the A continues. But I know it is really important going forwards if we do get back together."

You can still LEARN how to be seductive and sexy even though he's not there. There's nothing stopping you from doing that.

"Buttoned up? Well, I have changed jobs now - to a much less 'corporate' one. Also started volunteering and very much a jeans and T shirt role - so I guess that one is changing..."

I don't think he meant that literally. I think he was referring to your attitude. It's a nice way of saying "stuck up" or too rigid. This goes back to your first point of thinking that you're not perfect. Which in turn is a control issue. You don't know how to just let loose.

"With the understanding and listening. I have done a lot more of this lately with H - until I started LRT anyway."

Why would this stop you from learning how to be a better listener and be more sympathetic. Again, you don't need your H to do this. Try it in your every day interactions. It will help with the other points you bring up.

"And he has said how heard and appreciated he has felt. What can I do going forwards? I guess it is really around, stop what you are doing, really listen, probe, be completely available, ask questions etc. I know I jump in with solutions too fast. My mentality is often just - how can we sort this out? - and this has been to the detriment of truly understanding at times."

Yes. People just want to be heard and understood rather than be offered solutions.

"In terms of the provocativeness, again H & I have talked about this. He knows I'm not naturally a provocative dresser - but I have said from time to time I'm happy to dress up more. There have been things he has bought for me that I haven't worn. He hasn't mentioned them, but I guess that may have hurt too."

Yes that probably did. That should have been a BIG hint for you especially if you never initiated. He shouldn't have to ask you. If you knew it was important to him and would make him happy, then you should have done it on your own.

"That said, I have dressed provocatively recently without being asked - since he said at new year he felt some of our spark had been lost."

By then it was too late.

"But, it may have been too little too late as "Pandora's box" had been opened with the OW."

But it shouldn't stop you from continuing the changes. YOU have been with him for 11 years. Use that to your advantage. You know what else he likes.