Gogofo - no longer piecing 2nd BD

[gogofo]

Here is the email I am thinking of sending to the W. My intention is to apologize for what I did last night with our oldest wanting me to sleep at mommy's house, express that I agree with some of the decisions she has made and that I also see issues with us. My intention also is to hopefully get us talking about us and our issues, but on her timeline.

My fear is that this may push her to move closer to dissolving what is left of our relationship. Don't know if I have any basis to this fear or not.

Please let me know what you think about it.

Wife,

I was wrong for bringing up the kids comments about where I am sleeping. I was hurting from this and decided to deflect that pain off of myself. This was totally unfair and disrespectful to you. I need to deal with my own pain myself. I am the only one who can deal with my feelings and issues. I am deeply sorry for hurting you and expecting you to help me with this.

You are right and I agree with you that we need to be back in our respective homes and deal with our personal stresses. They are creating issues in our lives and making everything feel overwhelming and that there is no end in sight. We are both harboring personal stresses and they need dealt with. It is unfair for me to be at Quadrant and have you also share the stress and burden of the house at Emerald. I need to focus my attention on the situation at Emerald and get it taken care of. Splitting my time and attention between two houses is not improving the situation at any of them. As great as it felt moving in together, I agree that it was premature as there was internal housecleaning that needed to be done. I understand feeling the highs we feel as being the real us and feeling the lows we feel as being the real us. We are coming into a stressful part of the year with us having less and less time to accomplish the required tasks we have and also work on us becoming closer.

When we talked the other day we each talked about how much stress we were under. When you were at work on Sunday I was happy that since I had the kids you were able get all of your work and school finished. It helped me understand how having us living together would have you feel limited in you time and stressed. Your work took longer than initially anticipated and you needed extra time. When I put myself in your shoes I could see how if I was thinking about you at home with dinner and the kids I would feel like I was under another deadline that I do not need. I would have felt that you made your life and having dinner more important than me and my work and school life. This would make me feel like I was living under someone else’s schedule and I was not as important as the other person. It helped me understand how you feel about not having enough time and how having us living apart right now allows you to feel more free and in control of your time.

Last night I could still see you were stressed out and when we talked about the weeks to come I could see the stress in your body and how you talked about what you have scheduled. I am deeply concerned about all the stress you are under and the mental and physical toll it is taking on you. It was disheartening to hear you talk about not feeling much relief in your stress after getting your grading and school work done. I know you were exhausted and stressed about what is coming with your classes and work and Chicago trip. The language you used to talk about this was “I just have to get it done” and “I will get it done, I always will.” This is heart breaking to hear because this stress is affecting your personality and attitude and it really is concerning to me. I care about you and am concerned when you are feeling this way.

We are both carrying different types of stress and I feel we need to better understand what each of us in going through. If and or when you are ready, I would like us to talk with each other about this.