Re: Hi I'm new, I hope I won't be a burden... prt

[25yearsmlc]

. You said you are "too busy" to go to counseling and yet Look at what you just wrote to "Find" the time.

"Ok im going today.. how should i go.. thinking of buying chocolates and flowers and saying its a shame that it didnt work out.. im always here if you need me. And then go.."

I seriously hope you didn't do that. All of that is just a show that you're trying to put on to get her to pity you.

What is one thing that has shown that you've actually actually listened to us?

I did do it.. i ask for advice before acting out what i plan.

I am focusing on myself right now.. i have been actibely seeking work for my freelance work to keep me busy during the evenings. I am trying to do constructive things.

Go to counseling THEN^^^. Get some professional help b/c you have problems that affect your marriage AND MORE...there is massive lack of direction in your life , and it oozes out as a melancholy laziness, but I think it's depression.

I want to learn to ride a motorcycle so im focusing on that. I want new skills.


Then Get them! No one is stopping you. You have No kids, No "2 night jobs",
No "night school", (no wife!) Get out of your own way.

If you don't get some professional help now, You probably never will. Seriously, it will never get "easier" to get help, than it is now. Ever.

I am seeking out local counsellors in my area that i am residing at the mo.


"Seeking out"...well, did you find any? Meet any? Find ONE you like yet? 1wish, this is not rocket science. Making an appointment and Talking to a counselor
takes less than 20 minutes on the phone, maybe half an hour. Then you go meet them and that's an hour. You have been here for months and your marriage is not better yet...so, why not take the advice?

Honestly I do not know what you fear.

Have you called many and have you met any?


i am re reading db. I am constantly reading sandis golden rules.



The "guidelines" are from the DB books. Sandi didn't make them up.

The "Golden Rule" says "Do unto others as you would have them, do unto you" It's biblical in origin. Sure would be great if we all lived by it, eh?

Reading those tips is easy. Following them, not so much.

When we were ALL talking about counseling, you changed the topic to go back to yet another way of you pursuing your wife, WHILE pretending not to...

like by Giving her candy with a thinly veiled self pity comment, while pretending to wish her well in a fake "good bye good luck, here is some candy"...gesture.

1wish, if WE see thru it from here, so will she. Can you face that the goal of that "idea" was not something you can even articulate? (So it's more pursuit and Not following the guidelines you keep reading.)

Bottom line, it feels like you just are Not putting forth much effort in your life b/c When it gets hard, or requires self discipline, you balk. And the "rewards" of having so little self discipline are...well, non existent.

We want to help you in part b/c you are SO YOUNG.

OMG, If you could get the tools that are all around you and learn to use them in a mature manner, your whole love life and marriage future would be MUCH HAPPIER FOREVER....
what a gift we want to help you get!!!..but man, you just resist so much.

So yeah, it's frustrating.

Iwish, I would give anything to have had someone talking to me 25 years ago, the way we are all talking to you about your marriage. So much heartache would have been avoided.

I'd probably have had another child too. Wow, that makes me wistful. And yeah, a little angry at you, in a way. I'm sorry for that but it's true. I will work on it.

But, Can you see why we feel that way?

I am trying not to think about the R but myself and how i can be a better person. I am trying to move forward and i

You have to admit, we have given you a ton of ways to do that^^. Take some of those suggestions up, but start with getting the counseling.

You have a lot of issues (No shame there) plus your background might hinder you in some ways. I'm not sure,

but I know you said things you regret but that you FEEL, things you do not want to feel. To change them, takes effort.

am giving her the time and space she needs in order to let her figure out things on her own.


"Doing" that^^ means turn back to your own life b/c there is nothing for you to "Do" about her. You have a lot to "DO" about YOU and Your life however.

She tells me she wants to make new friends and do new stuff.. she feels i dont condone such. I do but i also have controlling behavioural patterns which im sure you guys know about. Imtrying to change that.

To "Change that" ^^^means do nothing about it!! This part is easy, okay?

I am working on myself and trying to be whole and happy without her but still want the R to prosper forward.

First thing is first. Get some help to get the TOOLS you need to live a life with direction and purpose, in alignment with your values. (Decide which values really are yours and which are no longer serving you well).

No more chaos, and no more pain filled drama, going in circles. No more insanely long undecipherable & circular text "non talks".

** * IF you ever reconcile with her OR remarry someone else, do NOT have important conversations that are meant to be done in person, by text...ever....

IF a person or subject is of importance to you, pick up a phone if they are far away, or drive over and see them eye to eye. Period.***

That's what counseling can help you with, AND take the advice you are getting here b/c so much of it is GOLDEN...

GOLDEN NUGGETS about

"How to Be Happy in YOUR LIFE"...I wish I had gotten those when I was your age. Don't waste this chance.

Good luck