I cannot accept that this is it.

[25yearsmlc]

Last but not least, is this final piece.

It's about marriage and the expectations/hopes men & women have of each other today. You said your wife did not drive and you implied that you had something to do with that choice. Maybe you did not want her to drive and told yourself it was for safety reasons, or whatever.

But if you are from a western culture (I can't tell if you are by the nature of the posts so far), you really ought to at least consider this perspective.

My "caveman theory" & comments are based on a survey that revealed the 2 things mates most valued in their spouses. (My apologies for any typos or odd sentences/clauses, but it's really late and I have to get up early in the morning.)

What Men valued most in their wives was, first, their "attraction" to their wives. Perhaps this is a "trophy value" factor, and sexual attraction is just what the anthropologists said it is, plus it may mean a superior mate for children too.

The second most valued trait in wives was "peace at home" which was interpreted as, more or less "no nagging". The experts said men want to be admired in their marriages. I definitely believe that. (Then again, who doesn't want that?)

What Women most valued in their h's, 1) Security; (financial, physical & emotional).

This is interpreted to mean We want to feel protected, and a man who is a good provider is also very attractive to us. That's especially so when there are children.
(I personally know some women who stay married solely because their husbands are "good providers and or "Good fathers", so yes, those are important traits to us).
Women want to know that there will be a roof over our baby's head and food on the table, AND that our h's are not gambling away the money, or spending it on OWs or getting lost in the woods...

We need to know that our men take care of their bodies -(in part to keep US safe, in part to be healthy and live long, and to look good for us!!!)

We need to know that our man will stop a bad guy from hurting us, which also helps us feel secure and protected.

Secondly, women most valued "Fidelity" - and that seems self explanatory. I think it has been in the back of your wife's mmd for a long time.

I asked before but don't recall getting an answer, but is the child part of your life at all? Have you met him/her, and or have your kids?

Now, on the security level, you have to wonder how safe your wife felt with you.

You were "inert"? You say you were inattentive and inactive with her and the kids, so I think she did not feel safe with you, in terms of what would happen to the kids if she wasn't around AND whether you would really "Show up" for her.

There are a lot of ways women can feel unprotected by their mates.

Like not standing up for her with your family would be a huge one, or being bad with money, (not that you are, just a comment.
Or, bad mouthing her to others, or involving your family in private matters,

and certainly blaming your wife for any of your choices feels disloyal and unproductive.

And not being able to provide for the home and family is another big way for a woman to feel unsafe and unprotected by her mate.

My "caveman" theory is that at some level we feel, down deep maybe at a biological level, when the man goes out of the cave - the woman stays behind with the baby, (the baby that is unquestionably the man's child)

and the man expects that baby to be cared for while he's gone,

and the fires should still be going, kindling gathered, and

the Woman expects the man to bring back some meat or at least berries, and he needs to come back on time, or she'll worry, and if the saber toothed tiger comes back, the woman protects the child and backs up her h, but HE fights the tiger if he is there. He Helps her feel safe and provided for, with the children...


I think women DO want to be protected, and when there are kids, provided for - and men Do want to be admired and seen as having an attractive mate, preferably one who is attracted to him, or at least warm & affectionate even if she has low sex drive.

When a man loses a job, we all know it can often cut him to the core. But we may skim over how insecure it makes the wives feel, especially if they are depending on their mate to "bring home the meat", & especially if they have children. I think at least part of this is biological, even these days.

I'm a professional with very good income potential, but I admit I take pride & comfort in my h's work & income. I very much value knowing I can stay at home with our children if we need to, and that he will have it all covered.

Last year our youngest had some serious medical issues that required a lot of time at home and I thank God (and my h) that I was able to take all that time off for her.

If I HAD to work when our child needed me at home b/c my h did not earn enough, at some level I probably would have felt disappointed or sad.

So when you lost those jobs, and damaged your credit, I would not dismiss her belief system and values quite so fast by calling her "materialistic",.

I think her fears about money are probably very real and deep.

Learning to see her point of view is about having empathy. No marriage or friendship is deep and good, without empathy.

I would like to hear more of that from you, about your wife. Know what I mean?

There is hope!