I cannot accept that this is it.

[25yearsmlc]

I also have some questions that I will need help with.

The home we lived in, she is living there with the plan to allow it to Foreclose and then move when she has the money. Should we sell it, or should I leave that to her? (Her father gave her this idea), she has not paid the mortgage for 2 months now.

Whoah, I thought you wanted to save your marriage....you don't figure these things out like this when that's a goal. (But see a lawyer if you need to protect your legal interests. IF you are willing to lose the family home, I'm taken aback).


The electric is in my name, I do not live there, do I turn it off?

Why would you have the electricity turned off? You have your wife and children there. What is your goal? Don't you think you'd have to pay some form of support to your wife for your kids? You want to take the food out of the refrigerator since you aren't living there? (Do you see how this sounds?)

DECIDE WHAT YOUR GOAL IS and then, make choices based on the goal and not on your emotions of the moment.

But turning the power off where your family lives does not sound like it would ever be a defensible choice. It's not loving, it's not responsible and it comes off as petty and vindictive or at best, clueless.


The car insurance is in my name, do I do anything about that?


See above...

Someone told me I should file the separation papers as that would not only 180 my predictable behavior, but also "slap" her in the face - a wake up call.



READ THE DB BOOKS and think a lot more before you DO anything.

Whoever suggested you "Slap" her in the face must not be on this board. And listening to the angry folks and those who want you to "Teach her a lesson" are going to confuse you a lot. (As my DB coach said, "it's not our job to 'teach our spouse a lesson' or 'show them consequences', b/c LIFE Does that.")

Honestly, Billman, I think you need to decide if you want to work on your marriage or just end it.

For a man who says he no longer has an anger issue, a lot of what you are asking sounds like someone who wants to punish his wife for leaving him, even though you are the one to have suggested the divorce.

Don't gloss over that, again. You omit important facts but it does not help you; it slows down your increasing your awareness and progress. I'd avoid doing that if I were you).


Sounds good, but I feel that is a backfire waiting to happen. I presume that if she wants to do so then it should be her move.

How does it "sound good?" Man you confuse me.

If you are HERE, it's b/c you want to save your marriage or better yet, repair and remake it into a healthy loving marriage. So no, you don't file for a separation if you don't want it.

Here in DB land, We tend to let our spouses do the work of ending the marriage, not us.

Yes, I filed for a sep b/c I did not want my h to mortgage our home as an "investment" with his Alaskan heroes, which he might have done. But I did NOT file it to end our marriage - but to protect our assets.

HERE ^^^^ You would be doing it as a tactic and it WILL backfire. Just like your "test" question about "offering" her a divorce. You say she jumped at that comment so why wouldn't she just jump at this?
You would also save her the filing fees...in your situation, it's a VERY BAD idea. (I suggest you get advice from people other than the person who told you this would "wake her up" or "Slap her face" (are they in a happy marriage?)

I cannot imagine it helping anything, whereas I can imagine about 5 ways it will end the marriage sooner - and maybe make it a lot easier for your wife to move on. IS that what you want?



Lastly, how do I talk to her when that time comes. What kind of answers do I reply. It has been suggested that I should avoid discussing us or fixing anything, and I should give the impression that I am finished.

I urge you to read the LONG "book" I posted to you. In that, I listed a lot of specific advice for you to use as a guide. I would refer you back to that.

In a nutshell, acting as if you are "finished" is NOT the way to go, but there are a lot of ways to show that you are moving forward out of respect for her stated desires. They are covered in those 40 guidelines.

You can be regretful about the end of a marriage (who wouldn't be?) but without being whiny or needy or clingy. Like you know that even though it's sad to divorce, you are confident you will be happy again and not lonely, etc.

Again, go and read those 40 "rules".

I carried them around with me for months, I even laminated them. Literally.


I am not asking these questions for "answers", but more for guidance. I do not want to make mistakes, especially the anxiety prone decisions and reactions based on my emotions.

The 40 Newbie Guidelines will help a lot with this. Mainly remember to do this:

Figure out your goal(s) and then

ACT in accordance with YOUR GOALS, NOT YOUR EMOTIONS.

When a dilemma presents itself and you have more than one option, ask yourself this about each option:

"Will this get me closer to a reconciliation, or farther?

IS this act or remark, coming from a healthy or loving place in my heart,

OR a wounded ego, or an angry spiteful part of me?

I often had the urge to "teach" my h a lesson and I used the euphemisms of "fairness/justice!!" to mask what really was my desire to lash out. My ego was badly bruised and I was hurting. Plus I can be very self righteous.

Thing is, I rationalize well. So I really had convinced myself that I was "only being honest/FAIR" - when in reality, usually I was hoping to "Slap" his face and "Wake him up" and to make him pay for leaving me or for not choosing us over a beloved JOB.

And I was WRONG to do that. I'm a much more honest person now, and a more loving (and loved) woman as a result of this ordeal. MY DB coach was a Godsend to me, truly. She mentioned, often, giving my husband something to miss, to BECOME A WOMAN ONLY A FOOL WOULD LEAVE...

(And that is an upside to this "ordeal". I am better for it and you can be too. So no matter what happens to this marriage you will be much better able to be in a healthy loving relationship in the future, hopefully with your wife, but regardless, you'll be in a stronger R).

I think I can recognize it when someone else is using euphemisms to mask their wounded ego. Your pride has been hurt. I get that. But don't let that blind you to what yo have put your wife through.

You touched (VERY briefly) on how you mistreated her in the first years of your marriage, though again, you were vague. I am also not sure when that changed or why OR how (or whether it really did improve, or you are just thinning it did).

But if you don't want to be that guy again, then let's get to work on you.

You need to Get A Life.

Why don't you want to have friends? Do you see anything unhealthy (or unloving or UNfun or interestING) about that, now?

Billman, People who have no friends, TEND to be uninteresting and self centered.

I am not saying you are. I am saying you need to think about that...and

be brave so you can DIG DEEP. These are not easy issues Billman. I know that.

But change takes time and effort. Do Keep on keeping on...