Gogofo - no longer piecing 2nd BD

[gogofo]

So I had a second BD this past Wednesday night. I came home from hunting and the W seemed upset and tense. We started talking and she said she was done and wanted me to move out back to my house again. This was quite a shock, I knew we were in a backslide, but did not know it was this serious.

Two weeks prior I was asked to move in and we were planning on selling my house, our previous marital home. There were a couple of triggers going on, but this definitely is quite a turn from her asking me to move in, saying she thought we don't need MC, telling me how much I have changed, and that we can work through anything.

She basically rattled off a list of what she doesn't need me for and asked what do I have to offer her? Quite the question. I responded with fulfilling her life and giving her that same feeling she had when she asked me to move in. She just kind of shook her head and said she didn't know.

She is also still harboring a lot of anger towards me and is now upset and discrediting some of my new changes and actions.

So I went back basically to LRT except when she contacted me about bringing kids over tonight.

Brought kids out to her and asked if I could stay till bedtime, another 2 hours. Not going to lie, it wasn't just about the kids, wanted to be around her too.

Put kids down and the oldest asked me if I was sleeping there tonight, damn that hurts. The night before he asked me into his bedroom after I put him down and said that he didn't want me sleeping there, he wanted me and mommy to sleep together.

So I was hurt and wanted to tell the W about it. I wanted her to feel the pain because when we were talking about me moving out again she talks like it is the end and said that the kids don't even mind, they are excited to sleep back at my house. She talks as if us divorcing will not even affect them.

So understandably she was instantly upset and told me to leave. I was hurting and hung out for a couple minutes until she put her hands up and gave me the look. Man I totally f'ed up DBing right there, I knew better but my emotions were so raw. I know it is not our job to show the WAS their errors or to punish them.

Now I guess I should go totally dark. It would be a 180 in my actions as I always want to discuss things and hug or embrace when I get upset or stressed and have tough talks with the W.

Last BD I took most of the blame as I was not a good spouse. But now I think stress and external factors are pushing us apart and making her scared. I think she has some personal work to do.

I don't think it is that easy to go from feeling so secure in our relationship, being very sexual towards me, deferring a trip out of town to get a house ready to sell and then two weeks later feeling ready for a D. To me it seems that the stress and anxiety triggers we have this time of year are killing her. She said she was going to take care of herself for once, which was part of the same reason she used on BD 1. She also said she is sick of living in limbo. So she wrote her own future, this version without me when two weeks ago I was in that version.

So now I lay in bed kicking myself for bringing up our oldest's request for us to be together. I need to sharpen my DB skills as I may not have another chance to work this out.