You were vague about what role you played in the marital challenges you face, but you played a huge role. You need to see this asap.
My intention was not to be vague, my intention was to answer the questions.
The GOOD NEWS is that all this means you are NOT POWERLESS to repair things, b/c you only control you, and you are the lynchpin to repairing most of the problems in the marriage, b/c most of them are related to your behaviors.
You say most of them, and that is where I may need help. I know that I am at fault as well, and do not intend to say this is all her fault. I have not yet begun to understand what I did to the extent that deserved this amount of punishment - it does not appear to fit the crime so to speak. I actually thought that after our first Bomb, I thought I was better.
By your own admission, you lack a lot of self awareness. You said you did "not know" or were "not aware" that you have major temper/anger issues AND that you are have an anxiety disorder AND that you a re controlling. You had to have her or others point it out. That's troubling.
The anger issues ended after that time 10 years ago, My anger was under control. The control issues were abundant and I realized those also after the first bomb, and again, i relinquished control at that time. All control. She made all decisions and handled money. We were not 50/50 since getting back together after the first bomb.
Are you in treatment for any of these issues?
No, but I have appts. After going to jail, I have literally 0 dollars in the bank and no cash. I have been working tons of Overtime to make up for this loss, so once money begins to flow again, I will be going to counseling for the anxiety.
Okay, now to your post...
let me say up front, your marital history was quite often very self serving.
I don't understand.
You seem to have double standards that allow you to do things that always have a wordy confusing explanation, which absolves you of responsibility or minimizes your culpability.
Maybe I am just responding in a way that makes sense to me, words are hard for me to get out when I am upset. Again understand this is not my intent to beat around the bush or absolve myself.
Yet you assume the worst about her behaviors and intentions AND you let yourself off the hook on almost everything, but blame her (or OW or life's unfairness I guess) for a lot.
My only argument to this (again not saying I do not deserve blame), she gave up, I did not - she did not have to and I as yet do not understand why her giving up was better than doing more. - especially since I thought things were getting better.
I tell you this NOT To berate you but because You do it, at your peril. If you TRULY want to save your marriage, you must change this behavior - asap.
I understand.
Hey Billman, I feel like I had to PRY out the less flattering facts from you in your story. For future reference that isn't really going to help you, b/c it slows down our search for what will help you the most.
I started the thread with "this will be short" and planned to elaborate with questions, because I did not want to start the thread with a book.
I know how the "rape" situation sounds, thats why I originally used taken advantage of. I have no explanation to this story that will make anyone feel better. If i heard it from someone else I would not believe it either. I was drinking and playing video games. I passed out. I remember very little about before I started drinking and have 10 years worth of trying to figure out the rest of it. She moved to michigan state a month after this (the OW) and there was no contact either was. so no - i had no idea or reason to believe the child s from me.
Even now, you have not come out and said "oh btw I have a child out of wedlock for whom I pay child support, which is money my own family could have used..".
I never intended to sleep with the OW, I was not even emotionally involved with her.
Instead, the tough parts of the story came out in a piece meal fashion that was very confusing to read. . Making it hard to decode makes it look more suspect Do you get what I'm saying there?
Yes, i suppose my starting the thread the way I did was mistakenly done.
When I asked you why there were trust issues, you said you did not know why.
After the OW for me, I never did anything that gave her a reason to believe I did not deserve her trust. If she was insecure, I would show her whatever she asked for and answer every question, I never hid anything or lied from that point on.
You need to know, for instance, that burning the sheets looks batchit crazy to the rest of the world. But you did it. It also could have your custody rights affected.
I do understand that, but I would like to believe that the fact that it was a last minute and broken hearted thing, might make some difference in view. I get it was crazy, no doubt at all. But i did not plan it in the least.
So I would urge you to SLOW DOWN...
I have done Nothing since the day I went to jail. I am as slow as I can get at this point.
[b]When your emotions get you in trouble, you have to stop letting them decide things for you
^ the nature of anxiety, and knowledge that I need the professional help for.
Also you said you have no friends except for her.That's not good news for either of you.
I understand what you are saying here, but it does not affect me - unless we are in this ordeal. I understand that having friends is nice, but I don't really have an interest. I dont know if I can 'force' my self to have friends.
Having no friends other than your wife is also Not healthy for either of you. That is way too much pressure to put on a spouse. It means they must fill ALL YOUR SOCIAL and EMOTIONAL needs. We are responsible for our own happiness and self esteem. (Seriously, we are and we always were).
never thought of it that way.
No ONE Person can do all that, or should. It's not healthy and it must have smothered her. Do you see that now?
Yes
I have dealt with the anger, I no longer have that issue. Same with the control issues. Those are no more. I was lazy, I did not help around the house. I was not an attentive father - i did not always help with homework, i found reasons to not go outside and play with them. I did not take them anywhere (park, store, anywhere when i left the house), and certainly did not take them and give her time without them in the house (alone time). I worked at home, so I was Always at home, and never went anywhere. I was always in her face, i did smother her. I was very sexual, but I did not try to romance her.
