On the brink, need a miracle

[Onguard]

Thanks Tarheel. I know that using D as a tactic is a horrible plan. I'm just so conflicted at times that I just want this nightmare to end. She is still in the home even though she has threatened to leave multiple times. My S20 pointed out that she has not had any consequences for her A. I then realized how soft I have been through this entire journey. I have been a total doormat and given her the perception that I will be here forever, no matter what. And that is definitely NOT the case. I need to get much tougher with my actions. I know that I need to employ the LRT hard. I also believe that I should ask her to move out of our home until she is ready to commit to R and work on our M.

She has made it known that she is still pining for OM even though he ended the A over 5 months ago. She has also indicated that she is open to an AP2. I have tried to be nice and act loving to her and she has just walked all over me.

We talked for about 10 minutes today. She again stated how miserable she was in our M and that she is not ready to give me what I want. That she has a lot of work to do on her own. She also said that she does not like talking to me because it reminds her of our past when she was so unhappy. "I will never let another man control me ever again". "You gave me the bare minimum and I will never tolerate that again. I didnt think I was worthy but now I know differently." Then she asked me, "Why would you want to stay together?" "A relationship should have trust and fidelity, and this one will never have that." She is basically telling me to end our M.

I was the one who initiated the talk but I said very little. We only had a few minutes to talk because she was leaving. After she left she sent me the following text: I'm searching for the answers every day. Weighing everything heavily both ways.

I have made the mistake of acting weak and needy because that is how I feel. I am so angry that I am dealing with depression at the same time as this crisis. Infidelity is a leading cause of depression and I was already recovering from depression when she dropped the bomb. The pain is crushing but somehow I have to find the strength to act. If I sit here waiting like a doormat then I'm going to end up divorced sooner or later anyway.