Feeling stronger than ever

[mleigh4]

Back from our weekend camping trip. We had fun, but things at home backslid a little. Thursday night was a little hectic for me getting ready for our trip. Meanwhile, H was also getting stuff ready for his trip he left on today. For whatever reason, it irked me that he wasn't going to see his S for days, and didn't seem to care. He was so preoccupied with himself and maybe said 5 words to S. I don't know, I need to stop telling H how to be a dad. But I let out a little spew on him asking why he didn't want to spend some time with S before we left? I told H he has Friday night and Saturday to do this stuff! Why do I care??? This may come from being abandoned by my own father, I want so much more for my S and I was so careful to pick a guy. who I thought would be an amazing father and H. Something to talk with IC about this week.

Anyway, H was home Friday night in time to see us off. Yes I manned the RV on my own! A huge 180 for me to do this stuff on my own.

H had said he planned on coming out on Saturday to visit. He didn't. Blamed it on needing to do stuff for his trip, change the oil in the jeep. (Do I even bother checking the garbage for oil cans? They won't be there). H asked that S call him. S said he didn't want to. Not sure if S was upset about H flaking so I didn't push it. Just TM H that S didn't want to at the moment. Didn't hear anymore from H after that.

This morning H called to talk with S and say bye on his way to hunting. Didn't say much to me, but I expected that. So I get home and go to throw something in garbage. There are 2 fast food containers and 2 drinks. They were closed up in the bag so yes I mini snooped. So, who was at my house and became more important then us yesterday? My mind Is racing, but I am really trying to not let it. No lipstick marks on the straw (pathetic that I even checked for that). really hope it was just a friend who came and hung out for a bit. Thing is, H never has friends over.

I hate this feeling so much. Hate it hate it hate it. I want so badly to ask the neighbor if he saw anyone over, but I will NOT let myself. Don't like that image of myself. I am doing all I can to let this go right now. I am sick of him letting S down. I am sick of feeling like he lies to me. I am sick of who I see when I look at him. It's not the person I thought I knew.

So since he is hunting he usually is in a remote area so I don't expect to hear from him until wed. No goodbye, nothing between us. I am going to enjoy this gift of space right now. I love having the house to ourselves. H is with an old family friend that went through an amazing marriage reconciliation after he had an affair and I know he plans on talking to H about us. He talks to troubled spouses at his church. God help us. Please lead my H to some clarity as to what he should do.