I cannot accept that this is it.

[25yearsmlc]

Billman,

Bad news and good news.

The bad news is you have a lot of issues that are yours and yours alone, and you need to own them.

You were vague about what role you played in the marital challenges you face, but you played a huge role. You need to see this asap.

No more glossing over your flaws and skimming them to get BACK to hers, b/c she is not here trying to save the marriage. You are. So STOP focussing on her, today. ONLY focus on you.

The GOOD NEWS is that all this means you are NOT POWERLESS to repair things, b/c you only control you, and you are the lynchpin to repairing most of the problems in the marriage, b/c most of them are related to your behaviors.

By your own admission, you lack a lot of self awareness. You said you did "not know" or were "not aware" that you have major temper/anger issues AND that you are have an anxiety disorder AND that you a re controlling. You had to have her or others point it out. That's troubling. So start by dealing with that and it does require professional help.

Are you in treatment for any of these issues?
Okay, now to your post...

let me say up front, your marital history was quite often very self serving.

You seem to have double standards that allow you to do things that always have a wordy confusing explanation, which absolves you of responsibility or minimizes your culpability.

Yet you assume the worst about her behaviors and intentions AND you let yourself off the hook on almost everything, but blame her (or OW or life's unfairness I guess) for a lot.

I tell you this NOT To berate you but because You do it, at your peril. If you TRULY want to save your marriage, you must change this behavior - asap.

Just want to vent a bit.

If venting calms you, do it. But if it makes you more angry or keeps you stuck in victimhood, avoid it.

I had to realize that most, not all but most of my venting was NOT helping ME. My anger was consuming me, (not h, only me).

I find myself thinking of ways to get this affair over with.

STOP THAT NOW. Instead, work on yourself. Stop all the CONTROLLING BEHAVIORS. Do you see them better now? I hope you will learn to see it more with our help. But this drive of yours to control everything she does just screams out at me throughout your posts. Stop it. Look in the mirror if you MUST DO something and work on you.

I know that there is no guarantee I will "win her back" if that does happen. But I feel like I need to have hope and faith that we can be a good family, and a loving one if we can get through this.

No walk away spouse returns to marriage they left, UNLESS they come to believe,

that marriage to their spouse, can be better/different than before.

It's YOUR JOB TO SHOW HER THAT it can be better/different than before and you do that one way and one way only... You Demonstrate changes in you, to get there.
Stop the rest of all the manipulations and controls b/c that is MORE OF THE SAME and you have to back off and stop that. Read the books asap and talk to a counselor to get this through to you, b/c the more YOU DO to control or influence her, the worse YOU MAKE IT.

The more you challenge her choices, the more you force her to defend them.

Your choices have NOT gotten you to a good place, Billman. So try to listen to us and read the books and learn from your mistakes; unfortunately my sense is you want to repeat the same mistakes that got you here. But more of that stuff will not help you.


I understand that my needs right now are to grow and heal, but I am having a hard time with these emotions and thoughts. I know what the right things are to do, but I find myself thinking of what I could do or try to "speed" things up. Then I calm down and realize I must not do anything. It's an endless pattern. I need help controlling it.

We can only do so much here. You need professional help. Are you getting it? It's not a shameful thing; and you would not be alone in needing it.

I cannot wait until the book arrives, to occupy my time more and learn to do the right thing.

Hey Billman, I feel like I had to PRY out the less flattering facts from you in your story. For future reference that isn't really going to help you, b/c it slows down our search for what will help you the most.

When you say you were raped, you better be careful using that term b/c rape victims I know, would object. They'd object b/c they'd say your story was pretty incredible.

They'll wonder how you could be "totally passed out & unconscious" AND produce a child - AND not know that for years,

and they may argue that even if all of that^^^ were true, (which defies most beliefs about conception) they'd still wonder about the whole set up in the first place. (Basically, "what were you thinking???" comments would be made, I think).

Even now, you have not come out and said "oh btw I have a child out of wedlock for whom I pay child support, which is money my own family could have used..".

Instead, the tough parts of the story came out in a piece meal fashion that was very confusing to read. . Making it hard to decode makes it look more suspect
Do you get what I'm saying there?

When I asked you why there were trust issues, you said you did not know why.

Billman, you need to work on self awareness or you won't understand how your actions are viewed by others. And as long as you pretend to not know, or really don't learn how to see yourself objectively, you risk more heartache.

You need to know, for instance, that burning the sheets looks batchit crazy to the rest of the world. But you did it. It also could have your custody rights affected.

So I would urge you to SLOW DOWN and take a deep breath (or 50) and THINK a lot more before you do another thing like that. Don't trust YOUR instincts right now...your emotions are not helping you.

When your emotions get you in trouble, you have to stop letting them decide things for you, while expecting them to solve the problems. Remember the definition of insanity is doing the same behaviors again, but expecting different results...
I think the more you own your problems and take responsibility for them, the more likely you are to get your wife back.

Also you said you have no friends except for her.Thats not good news for either of you.
Making and keeping friendships active, requires investing in others. So having no friends but her, doesn't flatter you. It makes it look as if you don't make the effort (which is also sort of how she describes your parenting) . I Highly recommend you read the book "Co-dependent No More" and "The Five Love Languages", which I think all couples should read. (Read them after you finish the DB book(s).)

Having no friends other than your wife is also Not healthy for either of you.
That is way too much pressure to put on a spouse. It means they must fill ALL YOUR SOCIAL and EMOTIONAL needs. We are responsible for our own happiness and self esteem. (Seriously, we are and we always were).

No ONE Person can do all that, or should. It's not healthy and it must have smothered her.

Do you see that now?

So now lets get back to YOU. What problems do YOU want to work on, in you?