A few quiet, calm, GAL days...and the rumblings are starting again. I am someone only a fool would walk away from. And I married a fool, apparently.
My heart breaks for my daughter. I walk around the city and see scores of intact families. And I have a tiny pity party. Why me.
The anger and sadness still bubble up to the surface.
But I can't really be so surprised. I had reservations when I married him. I never thought he really liked me enough. He was never able to articulate exactly why he loved me. Such a red flag that I chose to ignore because I was so grateful that someone had actually chosen me to marry. I didn't value myself enough to think I could do any better.
So here I am. It was inevitable I guess.
And my heart still feels broken even though in my head I know there is nothing really to save or even rebuild.
He seems happier and at peace. Everyone I talk to-- H, MIL, SIL, friends-- all remark at how great my D is handling everything. He has a W who is pleasant and collaborative. What incentive does he have to see it any other way? He made up his mind and can't imagine changing it-- way too risky to give up how good he's got it at the moment (mind-reading alert!!)
And frankly, when I try to picture us together again, it feels too scary for me too. To go through this again? To trust him and be betrayed when it becomes too difficult for him again? Or, perhaps worse, to realize that he is just not able to give me what I need...and to walk away from yhehim.
It's too much to think about.
I think I need to give up. Have some soul searching to do. I do not know why I am continuing to stand.
