What is going on in their heads?

[Mozza]

Zimmy, I just read your sitch and I can tell how hard it's been. To have such a level of comfort, trust and commitment in a relationship and see it thrown away for... what? I send you my support.

Is it possible that he didn't love me enough and now he really just found his soulmate? Or is he a man who is just incapable of long term love and commitment because he doesn't know how to sustain it?

There's no way he found his soulmate on a plane ride. I'm not a big believer in soul mates, but if they exist, it can't hit you that fast. Infatuation is a much more plausible explanation for what he had. I've felt this instant connection with people a few times. I noticed that they come through special ways, like alcohol and quick confidences. The element of surprise, i.e. to get into deep conversations with a stranger on a plane, can make one feel like this is very special. In any case, I see a very plain explanation to his behavior. I'm able to see when it happens and to hold back, but your husband may have lacked the maturity.

I'm afraid they don't think of us when in the throes of passion. I know, it's sad. Just think of when you fell in love. Were you thinking about anything else? Did you care about your parents' disapproval for instance? Heck, for Romeo and Juliet, it made their R feel even more special. Us against the world! They'll never understand us and our love with all their down-to-earth logic!

I realized today that my W couldn't be with me because of the way I was in the R, but also that perhaps I can't be with her because of the way she left the R. I put that out there for you to reflect upon.

You say you've been together 7 years and that you were engaged. How long was the engagement? Is there something there, in the long engagement, that reflects some deeper issues in the R? I'm asking because you paint a fairly rosy picture of the relationship. It might be entirely accurate, but perhaps you need more time to understand all aspects of it.

PS: We still don't see your signature. If you've added it to your profile, have you checked the blue "add signature" checkbox on the left of your response box?

It helps to look at an A as an addiction. Addicts are only thinking of themselves and have trouble thinking logically. How this affects you isn't fully understood, because that requires empathy, and while in the fog they have very little, if any, empathy to access. Addicts lie, cheat and do anything they can, crazy or not, to get to the source of their addiction. It really not about you at all- affairs are very selfish indulgences that happen in a "bubble" so to speak.

Wow, that's powerful. I'm still not sure if my wife had an A (perhaps an EA, prior to separation) but it sure looks like her behavior. I even used the drug addiction metaphor before seeing it here.