How are you feeling today? I’m pretty sure you cycled through a lot of emotions last night.
Let me start by saying your wife’s actions yesterday were very cruel. No matter her emotional state yesterday there was no excuse for the way she acted. I strongly believe there is a difference between “detaching” and “allowing.”
The reason we detach is because we cannot control our spouse’s actions and therefore we cannot have emotional attachments to their actions. However, this does not give our spouses permission to engage in obnoxious and disrespectful behavior to us or our children. There is still a standard of behavior we expect from people when they interact with us.
She did not have a right to leave the festival early. You were there as a family and she made a commitment to be there as a member of the family. It was rude, inconsiderate and showed a lack of respect for the entire family. Not just you.
She did not have a right to send you a text saying she was going to date. Under any circumstances this would be outrageous behavior but doing it after a family gathering is obnoxious. If she wanted to discuss “dating” then decorum demands this discussion be conducted verbally.
I believe you need to set boundaries with your wife on her behavior. When setting boundaries for the WAS we need to be clear and kind. The point of boundaries is to inform not punish. For example, if she feels there needs to be a discussion on an issue that redefines your marriage contract (parenting, dating, etc.) then these issues should not be discussed by email or text. A time will be set for the issue to be discussed either on the phone or in person.
Now on to the actual incident yesterday:
The phone may have triggered her but it may not have been the reason she triggered. It may have been a combination of things. Coming to the house and having a familiar moment, then leaving. Then being together as a family at a family-friendly event and watching other people enjoy intimacy that she didn’t have. She may have been overwhelmed with feelings of sadness, guilt and remorse. The phone incident may have been the excuse she was looking for to become agitated and leave.
I don’t know if this is what happened. But I would be interested in seeing the text message conversation that took place after her first text. If my hypnosis is correct her texting would have carried “hopeless” language such as “I don’t see the point.”
Do not mistake hopeless language for reconciliation language. Hopeless language indicates depression and a lot of WAS divorce under the mistaken belief that a divorce will stop their depression. If she used hopeless language she needs to be comforted. She needs to know this situation is not forever. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
However, the opposite may have occurred. The day’s events may have spurred an epiphany. Your direct and honest communication with the phone could have made her realize that her deceitful behavior is wrong. She may have decided she doesn’t want to be this person anymore. She may have decided that she wants to be direct and honest with you about her intentions to date and she wants you to have freedom to find someone else, also.
Again, I don’t know if this is what happened but her subsequent text messages carry the missing information. Did she use direct language? “I think it is time we accepted our mistakes and moved forward with our lives.”
Just as hopeless language shouldn’t be confused with reconciliation language, direct language shouldn’t be confused with divorce language. Direct language only means she is ready to be open and honest about her lifestyle. This is not a bad thing. It is a hurtful thing but not a bad thing. If she used direct language then you need to accept her at her word. Which is: She is dating.
