Mozza: this was never about you. There is nothing more you could have done to change this. Sadly, this is who she is or had become, and she will never be happy with anyone in this selfish state. Maybe for moments, but not in a mature contented, meaningful, committed way. She has some demons within herself. Please don't blame yourself.
Thank you Zimmy. You made me cry. I feel a great sense of relief when I think that maybe I'm not to blame. But I also feel powerless as it means I can't fix myself so that she'll come back. In the end, I just don't know how to find the balance. Spouses will walk away on guilty partners after all. It's not always a MLC or other bad reasons. It seems entirely possible that I was making her life unpleasant by being grumpy and impatient, which I was too often. I'm a perfectionist with high standards for myself and I expect the same of other people close to me. My wife is the opposite of a perfectionist, but she gets things done quickly. I would criticize the way she told a story (get to the point!), the way she would pack a suitcase (you forgot X and Y, I can't trust you!), her impulse purchases (sleep on it!), her questions (you know the answer!), etc. Then again, we agreed on the fundamentals: how to raise the kids, money, sex, religion and politics... So it seems like she gave the R a death sentence while some community service would have been enough. The excessive severity of the sentence is where I seems to be heading in my efforts to make heads or tails of this situation.
I do agree that she's very narcissistic at the moment and can't think of anyone else but her. When she got her job, getting in her way was like getting between an addict and his drug. She'd want to go out with them and work longer hours if needed. She'd brush off the kids, she would get upset at me, etc. Later, she didn't put any thoughts in how to announce the separation to the kids. I did the online research and called a help line, summarizing my findings for her. On the day, she agreed she just wanted to get done with it and showed no emotion, nor preparation. She thinks the kids will be fine and that she'll set a nice example for her daughters. Girl power!
Her shrink told her that she needed to make a decision and then go through with it. That's how she handled the situation, refusing to have any meaningful conversation or even thoughts (apparently) about it. When I met her about 10 days after she left, she told me about her sorrow an loneliness, quickly adding "But I don't want to look at the past. I'm going forward and I can't achieve that by looking behind!" I clearly remember her speaking faster and with more authority as she said that. It felt to me as she was trying to convince someone. She doesn't speak about the separation with her friends and when she does, it seems to be some official version.
This morning, I feel more at peace with her departure than usual. I'm not okay with it and I want her to come back, but I feel like, perhaps, I could survive after all. This comes from the feeling that she's done something irreparable by showing such low level of commitment, even after getting engaged, married and pregnant twice. Maybe this was the wrong woman all along for someone loyal and trusting like me. Even if she comes back, what are the chances that she will dump me again? Perhaps I should seize this opportunity to build a new life now rather than in 5-10 years.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
