Fresh separation - trying to play by the book

[Mozza]

I do a lot of reading around the forum to find inspiration in the stories and responses of others.

You want the man you love to show you some freaking respect!!! Why does it seem so hard for him to do? Everyone wants to feel they are valuable to the people they love most in the world.

This quote by sandi2 made me tear up. It hurts because my W stopped seeing me as valuable in her life. Did she lose respect? I don't know, I never thought of it that way. We just spent two years during which she changed career. I supported her throughout, even if it would be a loss of income, because I could tell that she was going towards her true calling. In the first year, I helped her gain some experience on the side while she was working in her previous field. Then we moved and she quit her job. I paid all the bills (she freelanced so put in a bit of money sometimes), I babysat the two kids while she'd take evening classes, I even reviewed (completely!) her written exam for the job she got and, at the interview, she was told it was the best! She acknowledges my support and contribution and said, as she was leaving: "I'm very grateful for all you've done, but I need to take the next step alone." I felt like a woman in her 50s to whom her husband said "You've been great to me and the kids and I'm grateful, but life is short and I want a convertible and a hot silicone barbie."

Did she dump me because I was being supportive? It seems to make no sense. I do half the work at home, like many men of my generation. She'd be home for a year and would drop the kids early and pick them up late like she had a job. Then she'd spend the day running some errands, reading, walking around this new city. I don't recall a single day where she decided to spend time with the kids, just for fun. I could never convince her to clean the house during the day because she "didn't like" to clean. I couldn't hire a maid or spend the little free time that I had while she was unemployed.

She always wanted space and I've given her lots. This summer, she went on a trip with her mom for two weeks and I was happy for them (it was an important trip for her mom) even though it meant we wouldn't have holidays together this summer. She'd go abroad for a week by herself every year and she made it clear that she needed this time alone -- I was fine with it. I go on business trips so she's sometimes alone at home. She'd regularly need time on her own and me too. We're both only children. I can relate to the need for solitude, independence and I was asking for the same in return. Our friends would be surprised at how much independence we'd have. I think it went too far, not related to the examples below, but because we stopped sharing a common world. For example, before, we'd compromise and watch TV together. In the last year, we'd take turn to watch our own shows. We slowly built parallel universes.

As I said before, I was the adult (parent?) in the couple. My wife would associate me with her authoritarian mother, not with her dad who always agrees with her. So it's not like I was not setting boundaries. In fact, she felt too criticized in the couple and left saying that she was "walking on eggshells" around me. She said I love the person I wanted to shape, not the person she is. She left to find her "true self" which was especially hurtful given the space and support I've given her. Part of me thinks "believe none of what they say". She left after she found a group of colleagues who would value her, accept her as she is and even hit on her. Competing for her attention, they made her feel awesome. It looked like an easy future for her and our life looked like a difficult present. She said she thought it would be easier to take care of the kids alone 50% of the time than share her half with me, all of the time. She is really moving towards an easier life, in her mind. I don't know yet if she's wrong.

Is this idle thinking about "why"? Time that would be better spent on me? Or is it valuable to think about the reasons that lead to the breakup. I'd hope it would serve me to have a better relationship in the future, either with her or someone else.