Trying to stay patient- part 6

[Mozza]

I'm ICing myself- I recognize that a very big part of it is me still trying to control W's feelings- I want her to have a sense of loss (my friendship), I want her to hurt, I want her to regret her decision, I want her to recognize what she did was wrong (in my eyes). I don't want her to feel justified in her actions and decision by my remaining friendly with her. I want her to be held accountable for what she's put me through.

This is very insightful. I've come to a similar realization recently that all my pleading, crying, i-love-you-ing (in my head only for the last month) is actually an attempt to control my W. Same for all the ways in which I would explain to her that her decision is wrong. This feeling has to go. This anger directed at her for her rash and hurtful decision. It seems to mean that we haven't understood our wives yet, that we haven't come to the place where we love them in acceptance: the only place where they'll be looking for us -- or anyone.

When I met my wife some 10 years ago, she was very damaged. She had been cheated on, had made suicide attempts and was done with love. At the time, I could reach her because I was not involved in her past. I could listen without being defensive. I could offer tons of empathy. I was a break from the pain, a safe place. Now, I'm the bad past, so it's so much harder, but I need to go back to that place. When she says she wasn't happy, I don't need to remind her of her responsibility in the breakup, I need to validate. Ten years ago, I was offering an escape from the past to my wife, not a return to it. I was this breadth of fresh air she was looking for. The only way for us to win them back is to be that again. And the more sincere we are, the better our chances.

There's this scene in a movie (comedy) where the wife is lying in bed in the afternoon, curtains drawn. Her husband comes in and asks her what's wrong. She says "I'm depressed" to which he jovially replies "No you're not!" This, in a nutshell, is what we do wrong with our spouses when we deny their feelings or interpretations. It's not for us to tell them how they feel or what they go through. Or even to interpret what they lived. This is part of my resolutions if we ever get back together: no more arguing with her feelings because she's the only person who knows how she feels and that her interpretation of our R is precious information for me. I should welcome it.

So if I decide I'm done DBing, I move forward as a co-parent and that's it. No reason for small talk or treating her like a neighbor. However, if I decide I still want to continue with DB, I remain friendly with W.

The way I justify the DBing to me and my friends is that it promotes the same kind of behavior if I'm pursuing my W or if I'm moving on. Being cordial is simply the right thing to do. Let's remain proud of our behavior down the road. There's not only your W judging you in this, but many more including the kids. And your future self. If you're still only friendly to your W so she comes back, how friendly are you really? Do you really love her or, deep down, are you just trying to gain back control over her? What are the chances that you will be a better man after a few weeks or months back together? You won't be controlling anymore once she's back? Our separation puts us in the weakest position possible with our W, so it's a good time to test our limits. How much we can let go. Because we have no choice. Our W are gone. We need to reframe our relationship with them. They're much more like a new girl than our old partner. Perhaps that could help you: imagine how you would approach a brand new girl, how little control you would try to exert over her, knowing that you don't have any.

The day you'll be able to chitchat cordially with your W without any hope of winning her back, you'll be in a better place than ever.