To re-cap and be clear, this "event" with a woman you dated, occurred prior to the marriage?
No it was after, i was mistaken the timeline
Well...drunk or not, did you have sex or not?
I was passed out, i never drink, the OW confirmed that she essentially raped me and I was not conscious the entire time. I had drank an entire 12 pack. At the time my wife was a recovering teenage alcoholic and I never understood the "hype" of getting drunk - so i stupidly tried it. And to clear up it was after the marriage I was not thinking.
How did she find out about it anyhow? Was there other deceit involved?
She knew I was talking to her, During the first 2 years, I was not a very good person to her as I should have been. I loved her and gave her the world, but had anger issues that I was unaware of. The incident with the OW happened during a small breakup and my reason at the time was I was talking to her about how I was treating my wife. I had no intent of affair. At this point, even I did not know the OW and I had sex. almost 5 years later, the OW initiated a court order for a bloodtest and thats when this came out that she had a kid from sex that we obviously had. I tried to assure my wife i did not know, and the OW confirmed what happened - she never believed it.
The emotional cheating that refered to every two years or so: I never really "fixed" my anger, i just diverted it. I was always "in control" and she would talk to other people and would eventually have these friends that were there for her when she did not feel close to me. I was always unaware of these until I found out in some way. And again, I professed love and change without ever really getting the issue resolved.
Did you throw it in her face ever, or hold it over her head, or what?
No once it ended, i left it alone, I forgave her truly - but mainly because I guilted myself to believing it was all my fault.
Why did you think you had healed? And why did you believe SHE had healed? How did that supposedly happen?
Because she appeared happy again, and i would control my anger and anxiety issues (i did not know i had anxiety at this point). And we both fell back to our normal dead rhythm. We did not fix anything.
And did you really truly believe that her "emotional" cheating, whatever that means, is related solely to an event 10 years ago, and which you do not really feel responsible for?
I do feel responsible, and she had claimed forgiveness, I think i took it for granted, and she never really healed. I cannot be sure if that event was the only cause.
Are you certain Nothing else could be bothering her??
If I would just throw these answers out, she is materialistic, worries about money, believed marriage should be a fairy tale. And I was not consistent in any of these respects.
What do you mean by "she was of course" and "seeing another"?? Was she having an affair? Why do you say that and how do you know?
at this point 3.5 years ago, she told me she was talking to another man, she said it was not physical (well not to the point of sex). I never questioned it, so I cannot be sure of that. She has never been alone, i meant "of course" becasue everytime she tried to end us - there was another man involved - every time.
I am confused. 2 months after WHAT situation? Can you give me a thumb nail sketch of timelines here?
2 months after she dropped the 1st bomb, she let me back in. (Sept 2011 - Nov 2011)
What do you mean by "initial break",--(did you separate before?)
This refers to the (Sept 2011 - Nov 2011) break.
and What issues do YOU think caused that? This is VERY important.
That break was caused by my control. She did not have a license, or any freedom. It was not my intent, but i was suffocating her and did not realize it until then.
There is a major lack of trust going both ways. WHY do you think that is?
I did trust her, I thought she was happy, and took advantage that she said she wouldn't leave again. as far as why she didn't trust me. . work wise - i never held a job long. I cannot think of any other trust issues - I was always about her - i don't have a friend in the world (seriously) - let alone another woman to talk to.
1) why would she "again" confide in another man? When she would tell you problems she had, or when her feelings for you or the Marriage foundered, how did you react? Were you supportive and reflective, but confident, or did you freak out on her? DIG DEEP...
no, that's just it. I would always talk about our issues, and what we could do to fix them, i did not yell or argue ever - since we got back together from the first break. Ever.
2) How did you learn that she was confiding in another man?
She was deleting her text messages, starting about a month before the first bomb. and I did not put 2 and 2 together until about a month After the bomb. She had a girlfriend and she claimed it was always her she was talking to her. I confronted her after that month ish, and she confirmed they were "friends" and they had been for awhile. I knew what that meant. SHe was "involved" in some way, before the bomb.
Do You mean she "threatened" or said she "wanted" a divorce - OR DID YOU Bring it up first?
She told me she was unhappy about 2 months before the 2nd D. she explained that it was about my recent job loss and our finances going to crap. And I was a boring father, i was not attentive to the children, not mean or bad - just lazy parent. - at this point I started to change that, looked for a 2nd job, and was Much more active with the kids. but nothing was getting better. She had also said during this conversation that "I am not going to leave you, I am not doing that again" One day, i woke up and made the dumb stupid decision to suggest we should get a D. - and she ran for it. Right to his arms.
...keep peace with you, she pretended to concede and said she'd stick around? Is that about how you see it now?
Yup
Sorry to ask, but I need clarity so I can make suggestions, and this ^^ is vague to me. ' What do you mean when you say you "tried to compose but failed"?
I was trying to be civil, and have "peaceful" conversations about getting back together. I kept breaking - crying and groveling.
Did she ask you to move out?
not directly. she said I could stay . but i knew my anxiety would blow the whole thing - i.e the begging and crying - i knew i had to give her space - also this was before I knew of the OM.
I thought for awhile i was getting through. meaning, what?
we had conversations (before I knew of OM) about her needing space and time to decide what she wanted. those tidbits of hope I read from her replies to my questions.
VERY WEIRD thing to learn from a stranger?!!
Once I found out about the OM, i dug for info on FB. found out he was married and separated. I contacted the OM wife and she had told me she knew and that they had been together . intimately. and I broke down. I confronted her that morning and she denied, then finally caved. I asked when was the last time and she said last night. that meant in our home in our bed, while my children slept. - I did not take that well.
You wanted to "cry in the house"??
After I confronted her and went back to my moms crying like a baby. she went to her fathers house with the kids. I went back to what was my home, and just planned to reminisce. I missed what was my life. I sat on the floor for about 15 minutes playing with my dogs, and was just looking around the house. I noticed my pictures were missing, and there was nothing left of me in the home.
sniffing around for some PAIN...
wasnt the plan...the morning before I was wastching the kids while she worked (trying to be civil) she asked me to bring up a tv from the basement - so she could watch tv at night in be. so i did . when I went into the room i remember the tv and had the thought . she had me bring it up so she could watch TV in be with the OM. The bed was unmade, i knelt by the bed and just dropped my head to cry. Then i smelled the cologne - i was not looking for it. i got up to leave, the cologne was on my shirt. - i took of my shirt and took it and the sheets to the trash outside, and missed the can. That was the moment i decided to burn them, and hated i did it right after.
