Hey CHL, I'm still giggling about the "oral sex". Good one!
Yeah, he doesn't apologize easily--that is a big deal. So yes, I definately appreciated that he apologized & said so.
Quote: Have you said that to him in this direct of a manner?
Yes, I have said it several times in a direct manner. Here's what I see as the problem: if we talk about "it" he has to think about "it" and the self-beating up begins. I think he could get a gold medal in beating himself up--let the games begin!
What I notice is that there is a lot of "I'm a bad person--I royally f**ked up and cause a lot of pain and turmoil to my wife and children"....
but not a lot of remorse. To me, remorse involves empathy...putting on the other person's shoes. I don't see much of that going on, just a lot of horsehair shirts in the closet.
The guilt doesn't show me what I need to know, however. He hasn't given me a great deal of information about his infidelity, but he has said that he felt very guilty while it was going on. His guilt didn't prevent what happened, so it has very little value to me.
The last time the subject came up, he said he just wants to "go on from here". Again, to me that means that if I would just never refer to the infidelity in anyway, he would be able to hide his head in the sand and never deal with it.
Never dealing with it means being in denial, never healing--just burying the subject alive so it never is put to rest.
I told him that I'm not trying to punish him and he seemed surprised. I said that what I'm trying to do is HEAL myself and the R that I am committed to. Denial and avoidance and not communicating got us into crisis...so I am, obviously, not in favor of continuing to return to those bad habits.
The MC said that even when it's difficult...we need to turn to each other, not away from each other. That's what I'm trying to do.
