I do not know where to begin, so I will be short and answer questions to elaborate.
We were together 12 1/2 years. this past Oct 14th was our ten year anniversary. Just before we got married I was socially involved with another woman, but had no plans to cheat. I stupidly got drunk (first and last time ever) and the OW took advantage while I was passed out. My wife always believed that I was unfaithful due to circumstance regardless of my intention. I have no way to prove save for the OW admits the situation.
For the remaining time, every 2 years or so, she emotionally cheated on me, and I forgave her each time and we healed (so we thought). 3.5 years ago was the first mention of D. She was of course seeing another, and the first time that I know of that it was physical but not too far (as far as I know). about 2 months after this situation we got back together and she was So happy. We bought a home and were getting on with life. But we never resolved or fixed the issues that caused the initial break.
Then i lost my job and life and credit went to hell. And once again she was already confiding in another man about the beginning of this year (2014). But i did not know at this point. I knew she was unhappy so at the end of august she offered the D again. This time, I did not expect it at all, she said she wouldn't leave me. I of course made all the mistakes of asking her not to leave, the crying the anger and the guilt trips.
About 3 weeks after all this drama, i tried to compose but failed, i moved with my mother - 2 blocks away. Immediately she changed the locks, selling stuff, and moving on with life. We were talking and I thought for awhile i was getting through. Then one morning i found out from a stranger I was talking to, that her and the OM were intimate. I broke.
Later that same day while she was not home, I went into the home that was ours by using the sliding door in he basement (due to the locks). My intent was to cry in the home and I missed what was my life. I ended up in our room, and his cologne was still on the bed from that night. I took the sheets outside and planned to trash them, and then at that moment decided to burn them.
On Sunday the 28th she got a protective order while she was out, came home to see the sheets (which i burned b4 the order) and called in a violation. I was arrested and in jail for 9 days. The order stands until the 27 of this month. I have not had contact with her in any way in any direction since that Sunday (29th sept). I missed her birthday on the 7th and our 10 year anniversary on the 14th, and I know she is still seeing the OM.
I have generalized anxiety and that makes me prone to irrational decision making - that with a broken basket case of a heart is not helping me.
I am torn between waiting for this affair to end so that I might have a chance, or just leaving this entire situation alone.
I love that woman, and tried to give her the world. I do not know yet what went wrong, or what makes him so much better. And I am not sure how to find the strength to keep going.
