Do you feel like you should have continued the conversation after telling him you had to go?
No. I guess I responded bc I felt I could do it unemotionally. I could see he was trying so put blame on me and I wanted to hold up a mirror to him. I don't think it worked. Oh! I just learned something!
Do you feel like you accomplished anything explaining yourself (about the phone call etc?)
My purpose, I suppose, was to reflect the projection. Unemotionally. I accomplished stating my points unemotionally. However, I doubt the points were taken.
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]But maybe bc he is in his new home with his happy family, that it's like him and hww whould be better suited for my kids in a family sitch. That xh feels he could handle the situation better. That xh feels like I am not doing a good enough job. That I am weak. That I'm an idiot. That I'm not a good mom. (OK, now we are getting somewhere)
To me, that last one is the most important. Why? Because it's the key to the rest.
BINGO! OMG! Yes! Because I wasn't a good enough wife. He saw me as not worthy. He had to leave. Now I feel like he views me of not a good enough mom, too. $h!t! That's it!
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Should I communicate this w xh? Should I explain the events I have experienced as a co-parent, why I communicate the way I do, and express my boundaries with it?
Do you remember how when all of this first started happening that you doubted yourself? Things seemed "normal" with your ex and you thought maybe it was you? That's normal! Crazy people never question themselves.
The way a relationship works is that two people work at maintaining the relatinship. At times, one partner will do more of the work, but over time that should be roughly equal. In this case, that's not what happened, is it? I don't care what you were like yesterday or the day before. You didn't stop trying, my dear. He did. He walked away. From you, the kids, and his life.
Is he happy? I hope so. It came at a huge price - it cost four or five people an awful lot for him to do what he did. But it's been my experience that happy people act differently. His issue to deal with at this point.
Want to be free of him and his dysfunctional ways? I suspect you do.
If so, then you need to look to you. Figure out what makes you respond. Figure out why you think you need to "prove" to him that you're the better parent. Why you need to compete with him.
Why you feel you need to teach him something.
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BINGO! OMG! Yes! Because I wasn't a good enough wife. He saw me as not worthy. He had to leave. Now I feel like he views me of not a good enough mom, too. $h!t! That's it!
It's also been my experience that the thoughts of leaving come before the thoughts of the partner being unworthy. It's what they say to make themselves feel better. Kind of like bitter teens tell you they hate you. Dollars to doughnuts you were and are a great parent. But how could he do what he did if you were? How could he leave the perfect relationship? Nope, it makes much more sense to blame you as a way of justifying his actions. Best to attack what was important to you so you'll become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
What does a man who leaves his family, harasses them, gets a young woman pregnant, and freaks out when his kids won't respond know about being a good parent anyway? Better yet, can you trust judgement from a man like that?
So now the real question. Are you a good mother? i.e. do you try to do your best and love your children? Who's opinion on that question do you trust?
As far as communication? Keep it to business and ignore the rest. If he can't keep it to business, then don't respond. Wait before responding to business requests. Want to communicate boundaries? Silence and saying things like "that doesn't work for me when you talk like that or accuse" or "no" or " " are the best ways to communciate boundaries. i.e. actions speak loudly.
Heather's right - old sins cast long shadows. Let him deal with them. He is going to go kicking and screaming, but he'll go.
Remember - every time you respond to his rants, etc, the longer he'll continue to do that. It's a way of keeping connected and keeping you under control so to speak. He/she/they will bad-mouth you. It'll happen as sure as I'm standing here. Kind of like in High School, right?
It only matters if it matters to you. The more you change your patterns of response (i.e. don't respond unless necessary) the more you won't worry about it and the more you can get on to the business of living your life.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
