Mighty, I've been doing this today and it's not serving me well. Lost in: Heather:
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"What if he is really happy in his new life?" "Maybe, he was right to leave me." "Maybe, I had it coming? Maybe, I wasn't what he needed?"
I had a dream last night that xh communicated to me that he was confirming his decision in that I made him miserable and he is so happy with hww. She understands him and he is so happy and in love.
In my foggy brain, I actually though it happened. I saw xh last night. The exchange in my dream was at the same location, same clothes, it was so real. I truly though it happened. I know... what does it matter if he is happy with her. I need to let it go.
Heather:
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Personally, I don't see how someone can do so much damage and, then, walk away and be happy. I see my dad, who walked away and did the same thing...he ended up with a Ferrari and all kinds of money and I wouldn't say that he is content with himself in a way that I would want for myself
I think some people don't know or understand what true happiness is. They have a very superficial way of thinking. So sad.
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Old Sins Cast Long Shadows...Leave that for your XH to figure out on his own.
Love this, Heather. ^^^^
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Wow, I needed to hear that myself today.
One thing I learned in teaching: reteach, reteach, reteach! It needs to be practiced, seen, spoken, told... the more it is done, the more it is learned. That is what makes coming here so helpful. We tell others what we know, and what we need to practice!
UR, I value you input so much. I would love to see some of the communication you had. Sorry your mlcer was so epic. The value in it is how much you learned and that you are so willing to share that with others.
16 is a tough time to see your father unhinge. I'm sorry your son had to see that. I can see the destruction it causes.
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He is a mess. You dont want to be near the fallout.
Yes! I love that! I so don't want to be near it! I am struggling with keeping communication and not getting connected to the crazy. I feel obligated to tell xh about the kids. But he spent so many months blowing them off and me when I was trying to communicate about them, that I am having a hard time. It's like now he wants a daily report or something.
Should I communicate this w xh? Should I explain the events I have experienced as a co-parent, why I communicate the way I do, and express my boundaries with it?
Thanks for dropping in, uR. I appreciate it so much.
Do you feel like you should have continued the conversation after telling him you had to go?
No. I guess I responded bc I felt I could do it unemotionally. I could see he was trying so put blame on me and I wanted to hold up a mirror to him. I don't think it worked. Oh! I just learned something!
Do you feel like you accomplished anything explaining yourself (about the phone call etc?)
My purpose, I suppose, was to reflect the projection. Unemotionally. I accomplished stating my points unemotionally. However, I doubt the points were taken.
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]But maybe bc he is in his new home with his happy family, that it's like him and hww whould be better suited for my kids in a family sitch. That xh feels he could handle the situation better. That xh feels like I am not doing a good enough job. That I am weak. That I'm an idiot. That I'm not a good mom. (OK, now we are getting somewhere)
To me, that last one is the most important. Why? Because it's the key to the rest.
BINGO! OMG! Yes! Because I wasn't a good enough wife. He saw me as not worthy. He had to leave. Now I feel like he views me of not a good enough mom, too. $h!t! That's it!
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Should I communicate this w xh? Should I explain the events I have experienced as a co-parent, why I communicate the way I do, and express my boundaries with it?
Do you remember how when all of this first started happening that you doubted yourself? Things seemed "normal" with your ex and you thought maybe it was you? That's normal! Crazy people never question themselves.
The way a relationship works is that two people work at maintaining the relatinship. At times, one partner will do more of the work, but over time that should be roughly equal. In this case, that's not what happened, is it? I don't care what you were like yesterday or the day before. You didn't stop trying, my dear. He did. He walked away. From you, the kids, and his life.
Is he happy? I hope so. It came at a huge price - it cost four or five people an awful lot for him to do what he did. But it's been my experience that happy people act differently. His issue to deal with at this point.
Want to be free of him and his dysfunctional ways? I suspect you do.
If so, then you need to look to you. Figure out what makes you respond. Figure out why you think you need to "prove" to him that you're the better parent. Why you need to compete with him.
Why you feel you need to teach him something.
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BINGO! OMG! Yes! Because I wasn't a good enough wife. He saw me as not worthy. He had to leave. Now I feel like he views me of not a good enough mom, too. $h!t! That's it!
It's also been my experience that the thoughts of leaving come before the thoughts of the partner being unworthy. It's what they say to make themselves feel better. Kind of like bitter teens tell you they hate you. Dollars to doughnuts you were and are a great parent. But how could he do what he did if you were? How could he leave the perfect relationship? Nope, it makes much more sense to blame you as a way of justifying his actions. Best to attack what was important to you so you'll become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
What does a man who leaves his family, harasses them, gets a young woman pregnant, and freaks out when his kids won't respond know about being a good parent anyway? Better yet, can you trust judgement from a man like that?
So now the real question. Are you a good mother? i.e. do you try to do your best and love your children? Who's opinion on that question do you trust?
As far as communication? Keep it to business and ignore the rest. If he can't keep it to business, then don't respond. Wait before responding to business requests. Want to communicate boundaries? Silence and saying things like "that doesn't work for me when you talk like that or accuse" or "no" or " " are the best ways to communciate boundaries. i.e. actions speak loudly.
Heather's right - old sins cast long shadows. Let him deal with them. He is going to go kicking and screaming, but he'll go.
Remember - every time you respond to his rants, etc, the longer he'll continue to do that. It's a way of keeping connected and keeping you under control so to speak. He/she/they will bad-mouth you. It'll happen as sure as I'm standing here. Kind of like in High School, right?
It only matters if it matters to you. The more you change your patterns of response (i.e. don't respond unless necessary) the more you won't worry about it and the more you can get on to the business of living your life.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Mighty - I think you handled it reasonably well. While it can be a mistake to get sucked into too much of their craziness, it's also important that you nip some of this nonsense in the bud by making it clear that you are not badmouthing him to the kids and that his issues with the kids are his to solve.
Also, I know this is all so crazy fresh and sudden for you, and the need for resolution is great. I know in the short term, you'd like to see him suffer like you have. Truth be told, he probably has.
In the long run, galling though it is, you will probably prefer that he be happy. After all, you truly loved this man, enough to wish him happiness even if it's not with you. Odds are he won't find it where he is now, but even if he does, it's NOT a reflection on you.
I'm fortunate, my ex's new wife was not the OW.....although, as an Asian chick young enough to be his daughter, she is the archetype that he left me for.
I'm grateful my kids didn't have to deal with a string of inappropriate girlfriends, or potentially worse choices. I'm glad my ex isn't suicidally depressed or a burden on my kids. I know I got the best years my ex had to offer, and now that I've experienced the love of a man who cherishes everything about me, I would never settle for my ex again.
So I guess what I'm saying is, stick to the high road. Don't speak negatively of your ex with the kids, for THEIR sake. And make it clear to your ex that you're not doing that, so he can't weasel out of responsibility for his actions. Then minimize your contact as much as possible.
