Its really tough. I mean, feasibly she has no realistic options here. She wants to hypothetically move out in 3 weeks but she is asking me for 20 bucks today. Her fantasy is to have a separate household to keep the kids in half the time, and we co-parent in perfect harmony, happily ever after. But the reality is: she cant, financially, physically, emotionally, spiritually. She cant even do it right now, while still in the house.
Ive come to a place where I feel like she needs to really hit bottom to ever sincerely come back to me, but I dont want to "force" her to. Talked with my IC a lot about this, about how I take responsibility for making her face reality, about how it felt "mean of me" not to give her $20 today. So we researched a different response: asking what she needed, bringing it to her. I felt much better about that than just ignoring her text or responding "no, youre on your own now".
Im wondering if simply writing a letter saying "yes, you ought to shoot for Nov 1. im going to carry on doing what I'm doing, standing for this marriage and the stability of our family. You know where to find me." Could this be enough to wake her up?
I have to prepare, however, for the reality that she just cant do it. Unless she just moves onto someones couch.
M: 33 W: 33 M: 9 T: 10 3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5 BD: 8/3/14 Living together
My guess would be for lunch, smokes and probably picking up some kind of snack after school for the kids. I brought her lunch so I feel ok there.
W very stressed out when I got home tonight. I prepared myself before going in tho use with an act as if, imagining how I would act if I was expecting her to be happy to see me. This was effective I feel like I defused things a little. She had forgotten that I have a dj gig later tonight and said she was planning to leave. I told her she could take a few hours out of the house and I would handle everything at home. She seemed really stressed about changing her plans to study but there's no reason why she can't study at home, so she seemed to catch herself before voicing frustration. She left, I fed, bathed and bedded kids. Even did some laundry and folded hers, which I haven't been doing. I sense that she is under a lot of stress, as you would imagine with everything she's scrambling to do and this health news. She'll be back in a bit and I will leave, and the hous is nice and clean/peaceful for her. All I can do right now.
M: 33 W: 33 M: 9 T: 10 3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5 BD: 8/3/14 Living together
Had a nice night out last night and chaperoned my S6's field trip to the dairy farm this morning. Such a nice time. Really trying to focus on the value of these experiences with my kids, showing them that someone is there for them. Ive always tried to make time for my kids, but its definitely a 180 to ensure that I'm there for these memorable events. Before, I would forget to plan to go on most of these types of excursions. New me plans ahead and follows through. Just feeling way more in control. For years I have been a forgetful scatterbrain often at loose ends. I barely feel that way now.
When I was leaving the farm to head to work, W texts asking if I can drop her off lunch, cuz when she is busy she's unable to take a lunch break. I said sure, and brought her lunch (without asking what she wanted). She texted after thanking me for getting her food today and yesterday. Apparently she heard from the doctor and she needs to have more tests in a couple of weeks, and the doctor said she doesnt think her thyroid is the issue (??). I'm afraid I dont see an "easy" resolution to this health stuff any time soon, especially as its somehow tied in with W's drinking/depression, each thing fueling the other. W said she really needs to get on insurance ASAP. I cant really help her there.
W leaves at 6AM tomorrow morning to go to the next session of her course. This time there is an overnight stay, with an added seminar on Sunday. I strongly suspect OM is going, as W left bed and breakfast sites open on our laptop. Despite this, she mentioned wanting to go out tonight when i get home from work (which will be close to 10PM!!) No idea how her body can hold up with all of this. I am completely baffled right now.
And yet, I keep up PMA. I keep up my 180s. A friend and I chatted last night and he said it was amazing how visibly different I am from the me of 6 months ago. I keep my distance BUT I am still doing these nice things for her. It all feels very conflicting, like Im letting her cake eat. But when I took vows with her, I promised to be with her through sickness and health, right?
M: 33 W: 33 M: 9 T: 10 3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5 BD: 8/3/14 Living together
Need to snap out of an epic funk tonight. Got home from work and W was all dolled up and packed for her weekend. She headed out to OMs house, is leaving town early in the morning, wont be back until Sunday evening. I know its just another day on this journey but I am hurting bad right now. I gave her the absolute silent treatment as she gathered her stuff to go. She thanked me again for bringing her lunch again today. I cant help but wonder why I did that. How do I break out of this pattern of doing things for her when shes in a pinch. WHY does she keep asking me to do them.
Need to detach. I picked up some ice cream on the way home (ive been cutting down on that kind of stuff!) and im gonna go watch a random documentary and pass out.
This is the worst.
M: 33 W: 33 M: 9 T: 10 3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5 BD: 8/3/14 Living together
Hi 1foot2, weekends are the worst, aren't they? I'm sorry that you are in the midst of an "epic funk", and rightfully so.
Try and focus on yourself tomorrow. Treat yourself (hopefully to something healthier than ice cream) to something special / different. And try and get yourself thinking of anything else than W.
Read Sandi's advice about LBH and the ineffective way we try and be nice to the cheating wife. She is a gold mine. W cannot respect a H who condones her cheating behavior by being nice to her. You may want to draw the line and stop being a "doormat" to her. But W still lives with you, and so take time to think about what is working and what is not working. Good luck.
Thanks wet. Its hard to know where to draw the line, its definitely way more of a zig zag. I find that there are many areas where ive had no problem detaching or changing my behavior with her. Scheduling my daily routine without her factored in has been a good one. Handling financial matters as if she is not involved has been empowering (and way less chaotic than when she was handling them). moving myself into the office, and generally conducting myself as if i dont care if she comes or goes, has given me a lot of peace and restfulness.
But then there is this health stuff, that trips me up. On the one hand, i have always "taken care" of her, but i know that one complaint she has about me is that i am not emotionally engaged with her when she is feeling ill. So I struggle to figure out if i should be staying fully detached, or if its a 180 opportunity, for me to really be there for her. Bringing her exactly what she likes for lunch when shes in the middle of a stressful day at work falls into that category for me, or at least it did this morning. Now i just feel like a chump with a W headed out for a nice carefree weekend without me. After a day where i got up at 6am, singlehandedly got the boys to school and sitter, went on a field trip and tromped around a barnyard with a bunch of kids all morning, then worked 8 hours. This just su#ks.
At any given moment, I feel like i hold the power to just pull the plug on this. I even thought about doing it just now, as she was walking out the door, saying "oh by the way, i do think you should move out at the end of the month. enjoy your weekend". but i didnt. i have a hard time trusting my instincts. i also thought about swinging by OMs house on the way home and leaving him a printout of things to do in the town they are headed to, so clearly i have plenty of impulse ideas that should not be followed through on!
i will take that advice though wet. tomorrows actually going to be awesome. i have a saturday off for the first time in forever, and its probably the last nice weekend of fall foliage. making cinnamon rolls with the kids in the morning and then enjoying the day. who needs W.
M: 33 W: 33 M: 9 T: 10 3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5 BD: 8/3/14 Living together
I hope you picked a flavor of ice cream that goes well with the cake she is eating.
You don't need to follow instincts or impulses. You should not make an ultimatum. What you need to do is think this weekend about what 1foot2 believes in regarding M and what 1foot2 is willing to tolerate in his M. Once you have that established, you need to draw a boundary around those values and yourself. Then don't let anyone inside of that boundary who is actively violating your values.
Are you okay with an open R? Because that's what you have. Buying her lunch, being her cozy little support is doing two things: Prolonging her fling with OM because it is delaying the "reality" stage of the A (allowing it to remain in fantasyland), and it is killing her respect for you.
Last edited by Card29; 10/18/1404:02 AM.
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
Spot on Card. I'm drawing those lines this weekend. I've had enough. Clawing my way out of a codependent relationship, in which I get no benefit, and doing it 100% as of now. I will no longer bail her out. I'm only prolonging her teetering just above rock bottom.
This has been a slow process. Working on myself has been the rewarding, almost easy part. This is the hard part.
M: 33 W: 33 M: 9 T: 10 3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5 BD: 8/3/14 Living together
