You're right, he's not ready to work on it. He really isn't.
Detached friendliness is going to be my goal. We're spending a lot of time together over the next two days so that's a good thing for me to practice. Must study up on topics unrelated to R. Are Ebola and Isis too negative? LOL
I have been light on the GAL, I'll admit. I'm a home body. I also don't have any friends who aren't married (and happy about it) so I feel very lonely when I'm around them sometimes. Also, I hate that "we feel so sorry for your situation" look I get from some friends like I'm some wounded bird... well, today I'm feeling very much like a wounded bird so, whatever.
Claire, thank you for reminding me that positive thoughts and actions lead to positive feelings. I needed to hear that. Gah, you know just what to say to this girl.
About meds... I'm on them. I've been on them since PPD with D. They are crucial and are probably the only thing keeping me afloat (besides all of you) right now.
How do I complicate his narrative? I've never heard that before. Do you mean continue with my 180s? I can do that.
His memory about the past is situationally correct but it has this evil, dark, sinister, shadowy cast to it all. It makes me sick to my stomach. Is that how I was? It's almost like my eyes glowed green and smoke came out of my fingertips when he recalls the past. It's painful to be seen that way.
His memory about the past is situationally correct but it has this evil, dark, sinister, shadowy cast to it all. It makes me sick to my stomach. Is that how I was?
That's HIS narrative. It's not the "truth". Holding THIS narrative in his head helps him justify leaving you. Complicating that narrative means acting in ways that make him go "hmmm... wait, a sec.... that's not how I remember her being. What's going on? She doesn't seem so bad now... why am I giving her up again?" He will TEST you. Don't take the bait! Be the best possible you, no matter how weird and frustrating he is, or how angry or sad you are.
Do you have a mantra? Get one! When you see him, smile, and think to yourself, "La la la, I am so awesome... and YOU, my friend, are a foolto leave me! Gotta run, off to GAL with my awesome self!"
You live in LA? Hmm, probably not many divorced moms there, oh well. (Haha). Find some! Go to a meetup! I agree, it's tough to listen to married friends talk about their H's (I actually have a harder time listening to them complain. I like hearing happy stories!) Plus, they don't really know what to say. But, I'll tell you, most of my D friends don't really get DB either.
So, we talk about other stuff. That also helps me detach. This situation doesn't have to define or consume you, at least not in public. Go out, have fun, be a fun, normal person, and then come home and sob if you need to. Eventually (I promise), there will be more genuine fun, and less sobbing.
I've been at it a year. Has DB worked for me? Well, I'm still not divorced, and I am SO MUCH MORE at peace with myself. So, yeah, it's working. Maybe not exactly how I pictured, but who am I to say what's "supposed" to happen.
Make an appointment to talk to Chuck!
Holy cow. I gotta get to bed. (still working on that...) ((hugs))
Hi Ss, I don't really have much to add to what Maybell, Claire, Card and others have already said, but I wanted to check in with some support for you. It sounds like your H is deep in a "poor me" fog. You are working on making yourself a better person, but you need to be in this for the long haul. Patience is key. I think in his silly way with the 100% guarantee talk he is really saying that he wants to know that the positive changes he is seeing now are going to stick. That isn't too much to hope for but the way he is saying it is irrational. He has a lot to work on within himself.
I'm sending you thoughts of strength and positivity!
Also, forget your friends! No not really but maybe it is time to go find some new friends who you can relate to right now. Try a meetup group or join a class or activity with your D. Something different will be nice.
He said he wants someone who can be nice to him without having to read 10 self-help books and tons of therapy to do it. ouch. And then buttoned that up with "I'm just being honest"
this just really pisses me off. That is such an incredibly selfish thing to say. So we've established that he wants
- Perfection - Immediately - From an already perfect human who has no faults and never has had any faults to work through
Good luck to the fella. He is 10x's deeper in his fog than you are.
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
- Perfection - Immediately - From an already perfect human who has no faults and never has had any faults to work through
My H has a second wife?
I can't imagine that everyone here married monsters. So I guess it's the fog. But man is the fog making some of these WAS's act like jackA$$es.
Ss, just to be clear - You should be very, very proud that you have:
- Acknowledged problems and issues in your behavior - Identified potential ways to correct those problems - Done a lot of hard work to begin correcting them - Done all of this work because you should, not to win someone back - Shown tremendous patience and maturity acknowledging that it will take a long time for the changes to be permanent and part of YOU, not just an effort that you make
That is 99th percentile stuff for someone in your position. Most just say their ex is "crazy" and move on to future disasters with any real introspection. That was a really crappy thing for your WAH to say and I really hope you don't take it to heart, as hard as that may be to not do.
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
Card, my H has always wanted perfection. He didn't get it of course, because I'm not perfect. ;-) But he wanted me to look a certain way, wanted our house to look like no one lives in it, wanted a lot of things that I couldn't make happen. In one of our MC sessions back in June, he actually brought up the fact that I didn't put raw onions in a potato salad I had made the weekend before. I've been making potato salad for 27 years without onions. On this occasion, the fact that I didn't include them became a character flaw worthy of a discussion in MC. But that sort of thing isn't new, that's life with H. Maybe other women's H's will come out of the fog and be nice, but mine probably won't.
I think I keep trying to figure out the reason and rationality of his extreme stance on our marriage (leaving perhaps permanently). And the frustrating part is that it's not rational. Yes, I wasn't a good wife but given how we communicated, he could have said he was thinking of leaving permanently and suggestion some options he thought would help. To me that's the "healthy" way to go about it, right? My H keeps talking about what's "healthy" but come on.
Maybe this is me just being critical of even how he says he wants a divorce.
It's sick how I try to find holes in his logic so that's why he should stay.
I mean, we get along great, are good co-parents, laugh a ton together, can talk about anything, can gently poke fun at each other... He says he likes spending time with me and being around me... It makes no sense for him to leave permanently. For a time so he can evaluate whether he trusts my changes to be permanent and long term, sure, but forever?
And it's the logic or lack thereof that hurts and feels unjust. And I just want to argue it or poke holes in his argument as if he'll say, " oh, you're right, it's not logical or linear so I'll just pack my stuff and come home tonight."
