Please help me

[25yearsmlc]

First off read the Newbie rules again and take in what you can. I sense that your pain is overwhelming you.

To an extent, that is a choice.
You need to get a grip on the pain and hold it down some. Do you know what I mean? You will need to function more, soon. And since the marriage has been troubled for some time I think you have more coping skills than you've given yourself credit for. IF need be, then compartmentalize more.

Also did you look at the youtube videos I suggested?? IT's not a lot of effort to watch them and then spend some energy taking in their messages.

You realize that what you are doing right now, can't be your long term strategy. Do you see that yet?

I'm in protection mode for myself because I am feeling like a giant blob of anguish and despair. I know this sounds heavy duty but it's honestly the way I feel.

I get it. You are not being overly dramatic. Most of us here, felt as you feel. Your pain stinks, and it's real, but it's not unique. Nor is it fatal and NOR IS IT ETERNAL....it shall pass. IF YOU WANT to be happy again, you will be.

Because in the long run, happiness is a choice we make JUST as loving someone is also a choice.

When you are ready to not feel this bad, you will begin to make the changes needed to be happy again. We all had to endure a lot of grief at first, but most of us got to a point where we felt sick & tired of being sick & tired and we were so ready for a change, that we MADE the changes we needed to make.

Here is a question I'd like you to "trust" me with. Meaning, I want you to IMAGINE the answer to this hypothetical, for just a few minutes....okay...here it is.

IMAGINE that your h passed away suddenly...you are shocked and saddened and you grieve...then some amount of time passes and you now find yourself mostly healed.

IMAGINE that you are happy again, but without your h....

What are you doing in this new life of yours? Are you working? If so, where? Doing what?
Are you taking classes, or studying a language or taking up a new hobby? Do you like crafts and yoga or are you the hiking type, or art classes or current events type or all? OR do you know yet?

Where are you living? Please, Describe your life in some detail and what your days and evenings might be like, in this happy but without your h, life....

FLESH IT OUT in a lot of details and really spend a few minutes imagining this..
Are you dating?
Do you see yourself casually dating for companionship, or falling in love and having another committed r again? Are you traveling a lot?

Okay so, now you have seen this life of yours, in your control, with you being happy, and without your h.

So, what of those^^^ activities, can you do...NOW?

Other than having OM in your life, you need to begin doing those --- NOW.


I would like to reconcile but it's too painful for me to have contact with him at this point since he is having A.

Well, reconciling without ever seeing him seems unrealistic to me. I assume you agree. So I assume that your not seeing him is with the understanding that it cannot be permanent OR is it your "Hail Mary" approach?

A few people have done that, which means decided they'd rather do nothing to see their WAS, and hope that some miracle occurs to get them back together, than to make an effort and see it rejected in person.

I don't recommend that approach b/c I have not seen it work, though it probably feels easier to you at this moment. But in the long run if you really do want a reconciliation - well yes it will take work on your end...and at some point on his end.

So, what do you think your H WOULD SAY about marriage to you, if he were asked? And of those complaints, are there any you wish to work on?

You did say you are going to work on yourself, but what does that mean, specifically?

The more specific you are, the more believable the changes and the easier the changes are to make AND the easier to assess progress with.

Otherwise it's so vague and amorphous it's hard to know if you are really "DOING" anything new or different. For instance, Saying "be kinder" is too vague. But saying "complimenting h at least once a day with an authentic word of praise"...is specific.

Saying "do nice things" is hard to measure or quantify but saying "make h his favorite dinner at least 2 times a week, and give him a back rub 2 times a week" are things you can do and gauge.

I bet a good 180 for you, would be your initiating sexual contact (I know you dot feel that right now, I know ) But since there is no contact, that's impossible.

IF you can figure out a way to be around him down the road, like when he sees your d, then being as warm as possible will help (Can't hurt ) and dressing a bit more suggestively - to show that you are a sensual woman, (NOT necessarily pursuing him, but interested in warm human contact is KEY) and or always see him for a minute but then you are leaving the house to GAL and you're "busy
going to new interesting places, meeting fascinating new people and doing fun new things"... would be a way to show him the new you without prolonging your agony. Fake it for 5 minutes and get out...

Being warm and upbeat will help---see the Rules again and figure out how to pull it off. B/c if you never see him, well, ---you will never see him....


Will be working on myself. Wondering if not responding to his texts is a mistake

I believe it's a mistake. It does not make you look good or calm or loving and you are not giving him anything to miss. Merely replying to texts is not being a doormat and it's not pursuing him.

MY DB coach said to "listen like a lover" when h would tell me his work problems and I think unless your h discusses his affair problems with you (hard to imagine as it would be wildly inappropriate)

I would think talking on the phone would be manageable, esp if you are mostly LISTENING...

BTW have you hired a DB coach? They sure can be helpful. Though some will say "but they are expensive", to that I say, "and So is divorce".

Plus, the 3 session package was about the same price as a therapist is in our area, but a lot more pro marriage and much more solution based....

and if I should try to "be friends" despite the enormous pain. I would continue to not initiate contact but would respond to texts at least

responding to texts is more like not being rude, in my opinion. I can't see how he can interpret your ignoring his outreach in a positive light. And even if he thinks "Well that is what I get for having an affair", I cannot see him ending the affair for the 'gift' of you answering his texts.

I would worry more that you ignoring his texts will eventually seem like you ignoring his other methods of outreach within the marriage, if you get my point...

and maybe be home when he visits D17 and D23. So confused as to what to do.

I can suggest to you a route but you are free to ignore it of course.

I'd suggest you set a goal of 1) hire a DB coach for 3 sessions to begin with
(i ultimately had 15 sessons with my DB coach, over about an 18 month period. Money well spent I'd say).

2) replying to texts with courteous answers, w/an eventual goal of answering with humor or warmth, within 2 weeks;

and 3) being able to be in his presence for 5 minutes, by late next week.

Then when he is there to see your d, you are on your way out...and using those "Rules" to live by for those minutes. (i.e. looking your best, having an 'awakening', etc)

Then get the heck out of the house to GAL, and if need be, and you cannot get a friend to meet up, then see a movie by yourself if need be, and then shop for an hour. Without lying, Be a bit mysterious about where you are going and with whom.

And know that your d's are watching you A LOT, so please do not fall apart on them. They need you more now than ever,

AND know that someday they will each face a setback or betrayal and or broken heart. Show them that their pain can be deep but not fatal, lasting but not eternal so that they know when it happens to them, they will not be defeated...b/c you won't be.

Make sense?