WAW + divorce filed, Becoming-V2 - part 1

[B-V2]

Journaling:

Had a major setback/"crash" last weekend 10-12th October, by losing my positive "mojo" and ending up with interaction with W because of her feeling very worried - which equate to me as me being "needy"...

What happened:
I had been reading a lot more and thinking about what made us slowly growing apart during the last year or so, and W losing the connection/giving up without me fully noticing. I realized - in simple terms, in reality it is of course much more complicated than that - that we were caught in the mutual circle of negatively amplification of not longer giving to each other the real love we both need(ed).
And that made me extremely sad to realize, because for me to give out love is a very conscious (not even a) choice and not just a feeling that one day stops and then is simply lost forever. And not having done so from my side for a while, without even me realizing it fully, was/is so out of character for me.

A bit later on I then sent out a text to a relative of my W, so to thank for always sending out good positive energy and being there. And this was almost immediately answered with a text reply...by my W if I was doing OK (as they were both together at that time).
And that totally took me of my guard, and rather than thinking it over I responded with just a "no" reply - as was my true feeling at that moment: I was crashed and was crying to the bone. That let to an immediate call from her (as she was very worried about my possible state, as she said so) and a follow up walk & talk the next day.

Only towards the end of the walk & talk did I started to talk about loose of connection, and what I had figured out about that for myself (see above). She only acknowledge that she had lost connection.
Additionally I went into my pain from BD till now, and that the only main positive I could see from that deep and long pain being the confirmation that all we did have before (i.e. the good relationship for at least 16 out of 18 years, from her point of view) was totally real for me. She did confirmed that, stating if all fake we would not feel all that pain for so long.
Then I stated that I was also hurt of no interest from her side what so ever of me seeing a shrink as of from immediately BD day and onward, which is a huge thing for me (and she knows that).

I thereby definitely broke Newbie Guidelines/Rules To Survive item 39:
39. Do not believe that showing your spouse your pain and misery proves your love for them. It just makes it harder to be around you.

Why I still did that: talking about real emotions and true feelings is a 180 for me. By exposing these to her, I hoped that she would open up on her real emotions and true feeling to me too - whatever they would be. I was also thinking that in real terms we are already divorced (because we are: separated, assets divided and paid out, and only the final paper is outstanding), so what else is there to loose?

Then I ended up asking how she sees us now going forward: best friends, or nothing or what? She started to cry and when I asked what she really wanted her answer was this:
" Leave me alone, because I feel that you pressurize me in having to make a choice and I do not know what I want. I am not ready to go on dates with you. Please do not wait for me, but go on with your life. "
I told her not to worry about me, and we both left. I am still confused about her reply as she is till not fully direct to me. Is this her indirect non-confrontation version of "I am fully done, please never ever see me again"?

I really need to detach and work on me exclusively!